The Blossoming: XO Trilogy (BWWM) incompleted

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen

A lot of things changed once I moved to London. For one, I started drinking coffee again. At first it was mainly to keep me away in my lectures but I soon began to actually savour the taste. Dane was a big coffee drinker. He usually had an espresso in the morning before work and he always got a flat white just before getting into work. It was one of the habits that he would never, ever break. Even when he had no money, he always had £2.50 for his daily coffee.

When he came to see me, his breath smelt mostly of spearmint gum but also a bit like espresso. I wasn't ready to see him and I had been dreading every moment leading up to him coming but once I had sent the message inviting him round, it felt cruel trying to take it back so I left it. The original message was sent on a whim. It was more impulsive than anything. Once Malachi had left I was overcome with a feeling of loneliness. I thought I knew how to handle loneliness but I didn't. Not properly. I always had someone, even when Dane was doing whatever he was doing, I always had Abi down the hall or Khalida who was always thirty minutes away. I couldn't call Shay because she was too pregnant and Mum was busy. I had to handle it on my own and it hurt.

I don't think I caught feelings for Malachi, it was too soon but it still felt weird when he left. I felt a bit empty and upset and I didn't even want to talk to Julian because he was too nice and I felt bad speaking to him when my mind was quite clearly somewhere else. I fobbed him off with a stupid excuse about being busy and tired and didn't text as much. He did try but by Thursday, I think he had gotten sick of my dead, slow replies and backed off which was supposed to make me feel better but somehow didn't.

So then I messaged Dane.

He was sitting on the floor crossed legged facing me. This was the position we took when we needed to have long serious chats. He didn't look awful but he didn't look good either. His hair was overgrown and lazily pulled back with a black hairband. He also had a bit of dark stubble and the light bags under his eyes had reappeared. But the whites of his eyes were still white and his skin was still dewy and glowing. I don't know how, but he made it work. He didn't bother to get too dressed up either with his black cargo pants and oversized jumper.

"You look very hipster," I said once I had sat down.

He didn't reply, instead he just blinked at me. Dane wasn't a fan of small talk before these conversations, he thought it was a waste of time.

"Thank you for calling me," he replied. "I've been waiting."

"Did you decide not to cut your hair whilst you did?" I joked.

He furrowed his eyebrows at me and I instantly regretted the comment. "Sorry."

He sighed. "It's fine...it's just...I'm anxious...I missed you," he admitted. "It's shit being without you...it's been hard."

"Has it?"

He nodded slowly. "I did a lot of thinking...I guess that's been one of the hardest parts, having all this time to think about every single mistake but...I had to do it, you can't fix a problem without knowing what's wrong."

"What was wrong?" I asked.

He gulped and took in a deep breath. "I didn't know what I had...not just you but our connection. I'll never find it anywhere else and I took it for granted. I was egotistical. I think I resented you at one point. Not because you did anything wrong or to me, but because you were good to me at a time when I didn't deserve it. Issues with my own self-worth and esteem and I self sabotaged...both with Miya and then on my own, when I shut you out."

I felt tears prick at me eyes. It wasn't the first time he had said something like this, we had had the same conversation just when he decided to go sober. He told me that I shouldn't help him because he didn't deserve it. Hearing it again didn't make it any less heartbreaking.