The Blossoming: XO Trilogy (BWWM) incompleted

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Julian's restaurant opening came around quicker than I expected. For a while, it seemed to drag but then it looked like the opening would be delayed so he was less stressed. That was shortlived because suddenly, the original date was back on and he was spending longer away from home and glued to at least two screens at a time. It took a lot in me to not equate his lack of free time now to a disinterest in myself. I could physically see how hard he was working and how he hardly remembered to feed himself on most days but my abandonment wounds were deep and it soon became crystal clear that this was a trigger for me. Bumping into Cale definitely helped realise that. I shouldn't have left that encounter feeling as down as I did but somehow, all my brain could manage to muster up were feelings of shame and it scared me. It scared me because I didn't want to be that person with no identity outside a relationship but at the same time, I struggled to even think about how a truly single life would look like for me. 

Shay reassured me that this was just a quarter-life crisis thing.

"Everyone wonders about who they are Alex," she said to me on FaceTime shortly after the Cale situation. "It's just different things that trigger it. Relationships, friendships, work, even dumb shit like fashion or whatever. I see the kids at school all the time struggling to find their identity and in a way, at this age we're going through like another puberty right? Another enlightenment stage."

I agreed with her because I thought it was very wise and thought it best to try and stay positive. I bought a few books on Amazon, spent more time at the gym and organised a dinner with Khalida. It wasn't much, but it helped me feel good. It allowed me to begin to learn to enjoy my own company and not be glued to my phone waiting for Julian to have a spare moment. It was actually when I was in the middle of a crazy chapter that I was disturbed by my phone ringing. I almost didn't answer it because I was so engrossed but I had been reading for close to two hours and my eyes were tired anyways.

"Hey Julian,"

"Hey...are you okay? I've been calling you for ages now, are you good?"

"Oh yeah, sorry my phone was on dnd."

"For four hours?" he asked unimpressed.

"To be fair, I've hardly been on my phone. I bought this amazing book and then before that I was cooking and before that I was at the gym, I fucking killed it on the leg press today oh my God, I only went in for a short workout but you know when you just get in the mood?"

"Oh..." he said slightly disarmed. 

"What's wrong?" I asked sensing that something was indeed wrong.

"Nothing, nothing I just thought you were like giving me the silent treatment..."

"Because I didn't answer one phone call?" I laughed.

"Three," he corrected. "I know I've been busy-"

"Yeah with work Julian, it's okay I know. I'm not going to punish you for having a job."

"Are you sure? Because I texted you too," he said with a slight chuckle.

"Am I supposed to be at you every beck and call Julian? I have things to do too!"

"Don't, you sound like my ex."

I paused. It probably was just an off-hand comment but I didn't like it. I was doing the right thing. I was being patient and understanding. Right?!

"That was a stupid thing to say wasn't it?" he asked once my silence had gotten awkward. 

"Why would you say that?"

He paused for a second to think. "I think I might be a bit paranoid. With my ex, one of the things that caused a lot of our arguments was work and like anytime she appeared to be understanding it was always a trap."

"You've got PTSD," I laughed.

He laughed with me. "I guess I do but I called you for a reason. I've sent you some money so you can buy a nice outfit to accompany me to the restaurant opening."

"What? You want me to go?" 

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, aren't all your friends and family going to be there?"

"Yeah but Alex, I spend all my free time with you. Everyone knows that there is someone so you may as well meet them."

"I guess..."

"I know you said you wanted to take things slow so like if this isn't something you want to do, I get it and I won't push it but at the same time, I want this. You make me happy and honestly Alex...I see a future with us and like, I'm fucking shit with words but like why should we continue holding ourselves back from something that will obviously be so good?"

I was a bit shocked. Which was stupid because Julian had already been so clear with his emotions and intentions but I think it was because for so long this was what I wanted. A happy, stable relationship but because it seemed so unattainable for so long now that it was being served to me on a silver platter, I was witholding myself from it. When everything boiled down, whether I was single or alone - I just wanted happiness and Julian wanted happiness with me.

"It's scary," I admitted. "Like, I know I need to stop referring to Dane and whatever but like, sometimes I wonder if when I was with him if I lost myself? Like who was I really when I was with him and now a part of me is scared of losing myself again."

"I understand," he replied trying to hide the disappointment in his tone. "Meeting everyone would be a big deal, it's like the beginning of our lives coming together really."

"But," I started. "It's silly to let fear hold you back. In all the time that we've been talking you've been such a grounding figure. You help me understand things and you give me grace and like you validate me and it's like, if I'm going to find myself you're the person I want to be by my side to help me do that."

"Really?"

"Yeah! So fuck it, I will go but under one condition."

"What?"

"Will you be my boyfriend?"