All Of Us - Part 1: Summer

Chapter 36 - Liquor and love

- Dæor -

I run my fingers across the spines, closing my eyes as a familiar tingle rushes up my arm. I'm not as big of a reader as Gail or Keiti, but I enjoy this room as much as anyone.

My senses spike as the door behind me opens, but soon enough I hear a familiar shuffle of feet. "Keiti," I greet as I turn around. "How's it going..." I trail off as soon as I spot her. Her entire face screams weariness, from her sagging eyebrows to the circles under her eyes. "What's wrong ?" I ask, slightly worried. She ignores me - she never does that - and moves to a far corner of the library. Leaning towards the bookshelf, she picks up the library's only purple book by the spine and begins to leaf through it. I stand there, confused, but she doesn't explain anything. Which only worries me further. When she doesn't acknowledge my presence like this, she's really not feeling well. I bite the inside of my cheek before moving closer. "Keiti-"

Abruptly, she tosses her book on one of the stuffed chairs. It bounces straight back up to land on the floor. She looks at it blankly. "I know it by heart anyways," she finally says. "We should just give it away. Or burn it."

Before I know it, I'm by her side, taking her hand in mine. "Hey, Keiti, don't say that. You know you love that book. We can't burn it." She snatches her hand away and whirls onto me, eyes blazing. "Well, what's the point ? I can't tell anyone about it." I don't think she's talking about the book. anymore. "You don't know what it's like, to feel like this and have to hide it. To be this afraid of the feelings, the desire burning inside of me." Her voice rises. "To have to always watch my moves, to have to shy away from some of the people I love most. I'm just so sick of it."

She breaks down, her head hung low and her shoulders bunched up. Silently, I wrap my arms around her and pull her close. Rocking back and forth, I don't say a word, letting her sob freely in my arms. She's shaking slightly, so I hold her tighter. "I've got you," I whisper, my head buried in her hair. "I've got you, Keiti." She sniffles and looks at me. "I know, Dæor," she smiles sadly. "Thank you." I softly smile back and wipe away her tears. She leans forwards till our foreheads are touching. "What would I do without you ?" she muses. "What would I do without you," I counter. "I would still be in the woods." I finally manage to coax a light chuckle out of her and she pulls away. "Thanks, D," she repeats, finishing drying her cheeks.

"Do you want to talk about it ?" She looks back at me, startled. "Why do you look so surprised ?" I ask defensively. "Well..." She hesitates. "We haven't talked like that in a while. You know, sitting down and talking about our feelings and stuff." I look away, suddenly feeling awkward. "I... I know. And I'm sorry. I'm aware that I changed. But I'm trying to be him again - the boy you met in the woods and who thought he could do anything." She beams at me, some of the sadness in her eyes fading away in view of this sudden light. I laugh nervously. "Hey, we're not here to talk about me, though. Sit down. You have some stuff to say."

"Alright," she relents, moving over to a couch. With a sigh, she collapses onto it and pats the seat next to her. "Join me ?" As soon as I sit down next to her, she piles her two legs onto me. "Hey," I complain. "I have to get in the good mindset," she objects, the hint of a grin in her voice. "Fine," I give up, throwing my hands up in the air like a grandpa. "So. What was that about ?" She sends me a look. "I'm pretty sure you already have your suspicions."

"Well... You weren't exactly subtle about it." She leans in and punches me in the shoulder.

"Hey," I groan. "Shut your gob," she retorts, "and let me talk."

She sighs and sits back, wiggling her toes. "It's just that... Everytime, I get comfortable and convince myself that I can tell a particular person, that they'll understand. I end up forgetting that it needs to be hidden in the first place, then I do something - a glance, a bump - and suddenly there's something weird in the air between us. It's just the fact that it keeps happening, over and over. You're the only one who can know. No one else would accept it."

"That's not true. There are a lot of people here who would understand perfectly." I rack my brain. "What about Gail ?"

Keiti turns her head and inspects the floor, her eyes growing shiny. "Shit. Are you going to cry again ?" She shakes her head and hiccups: "No."

"That wasn't very convincing, you know." I push her legs off me and scoot closer. Pulling her into a hug, I take her hand and trace shapes onto it with my index. Circles, triangles, lines. Her crying subsides, and we sit there in silence, the crackling torches being the only sound.

"It was with Gail, wasn't it ?" She nods, unable to speak. "You thought you could maybe tell her, and then..." She nods again, burying her head into my shoulder. I wrap my arm around her, rocking back and forth.

"But it's more than just that, isn't it ?" Her head lifts and I look into her gleaming coffee eyes. "Yeah." Her voice comes croaked. "I... I really like her."

"Hey, Gail's a really nice girl ! That's great," I exclaim, trying to sound cheerful. "She's very understanding as well. Even though there might have been a weird feeling between you, she'll come around and understand eventually."

With sudden determination, Keiti pushes herself away from me and gets up. "You weren't there, Dæor," she replies, her tone hard. "You just weren't there, and you haven't been." Her back to me, she wipes the wet away from her eyes before striding out the door. I slump back onto the couch and groan. I just ended up making her sad again. But I can't go back out and run after her. Knowing Keiti, she would just clam up even more.

I can only hope that she doesn't try to stuff her sadness in the emptiness of a liquor bottle.