A Year Away

Chapter 1

I want to feel excited. Relieved. Nervous. Scared. Anything other than the feeling that had been gnawing at the bottom of my stomach through out the last hour of my flight: guilt.

Hard, unrelenting guilt that tore through my stomach and made me want to toss up the snacks I had eaten during the flight.

My parents had let me go. They'd actually signed me off on this trip abroad so I could just get away from everything for a little bit, which- according to my German teacher- that's what I need. But the only reason they'd let their only child cross the Atlantic Ocean alone was because it was a reward for my amazing achievement and progress. 

The very thought sets my stomach turning again and I give my arm rests a squeeze.

"Don't like flying?" The man next to me asks in German.

"Not a fan of heights." I lie back.

Get it together, Nicholas.

It should be fine. I tell myself. Just keep out of your mind for the next five months. A pause on having to think about it. Having to think about them  thinking about it. Focus on trying to navigate Germany, on trying to actually pass your classes while in another country, while in another culture.

I wonder how they think about-

Stop. Don't do this to yourself.

I forced myself to pick up the magazine in front of me. It's in German. I focus on the words and read through the articles. I am surprisingly good at German. I never really had a natural talent for anything; I'm not good with number, or letters, or sports, or people. But I started German my freshman year on a whim and it came like a breeze. I don't believe in fate, but it was almost like I was meant to speak the language. I missed it my sophomore year because-I was away, but it felt like being welcomed home stepping into my German class junior year.

Now I am going to be spending half a year being surrounded by the language and culture I love. I should be more exicited, I really should, but- as is the theme lately- I can't get out of my own head. And I needed to get out of it before something bad happens.

But why? What's the point? Why-

The lurching of the plane as it hits the runway stops my train of thought and I can't be more thankful for the landing. I start collecting my stuff back into my carry on and get ready to get off once they let us. Being in motion isn't my favorite thing, it sometimes takes a lot of work, by it keeps my mind moving, and that was the most important thing for me right now.

I got off the plane with the slow tide of every other passenger and followed the signs to baggage claim. It was like a sweet melody to my ears hearing the amount of German whispered through the airport terminals and being able to read the posters on the wall put a little stroke of pride in me. At least I could handle one aspect of this year.

As I make my way down the escalator, I search for the family that would be hosting me. I knew it was a couple around my parent's age with a son who was a senior in high school as well. I'd talked to them once over a skype call with my parents so we could get to know each other a little better before I was stuck in another country with them, but I'm still a little worried I won't find them in this busy airport.

I am about half way down the escalator when I hear a heavily accented German voice yell, "Nicholas Hemmick!" Quickly followed by another male voice and a higher pitched female voice.

My gaze is caught by waving arms and a big piece of paper with my name on it. I feel my cheeks get hot with embarrassment, but I'm also touched by the feeling of welcome I am already getting from the family.