A Year Away

Chapter 12

"Can I be honest?" Erik asks, shifting on the couch so he can face me. "I don't want you to leave either."

My heart rate surges. "You don't?"

Erik shakes his head. "Just seeing you on the phone with your parents... you shut down, quickly. It was like everything you've been through these past couple months just went away. I don't want to see you get hurt again."

"But there's nothing we can do," I hate that I'm the one that says it. Nicholas Hemmick, always the pessimist. "My parents want me home, so I'm going home."

"What about what you want?"

"That doesn't matter." I laugh. "As long as I live under their roof, they control me. They always have, and maybe they always will."

"You can't just give in to what they want all the time." Erik says, his voice rising a little.

"I don't really have an option out of it."

"Are you even looking for one?"

I stand up. "Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think I wanted to go to reform camp? Do you think I wanted to hate myself? Do you think I want to go home? You don't know how this works, Erik, you don't know what my parents are like."

"Did you ask if you could not go to camp?"

Not go to camp? Was he on something? That was never an option. I shake my head. "They would have said no."

"You didn't ask."

"It wouldn't have mattered." I argue.

"But you didn't fight them. You don't know how it would have happened. Maybe they thought you wanted to go to camp."

I swallow. I did. I did want to go to camp. "I didn't fight them because I believed them." I say quietly. "I thought I needed to be fixed."

Erik's eyes soften and he stands up off the couch. "Do you think you need to go home?"

I shake my head. "No, I don't."

"So you'll fight them?"

I can feel tears prickling my eyeballs. "I don't think it'll work."

"Nicky you have to-"

"Why do you care?" I yell. "I was your pity project for the year and it worked but in the end it was for nothing. Can you just get over it? I always knew this wasn't going to last. This family, the team, you. It's all temporary and I know that. I'm sorry you don't, but why the hell do you care so much?"

What even were me and Erik? Was I his friend? His brother? The kid his family took in for five months?

"'My pity project'? Nicky, what are you talking about? You mean so much more than that to me."

"Really? How? The only thing I've been to you this whole time was a problem. Some issue you had to solve."

"I didn't have to do any of it, I chose to do it. I chose to help you."

"Why?"

"Because I care about you. Because it hurts me when you're like this. I don't want to see you crying or hating yourself because I- I think you deserve the world."

His words stop me cold. You deserve the world.

"You deserve more than me." I finally say. "You deserve to live the rest of your senior year normal, and without my problems. You deserve to hang out with Fynn and Ida and ask that guy you like out all while I'm a thousand miles from here." It's true. Even if I wanted to try my luck with Erik, he's already given so much to me. I don't think I have anything to give back to him, and I can't just keep taking. It's not fair.

Erik shakes his head. "I don't think that's what I deserve, but I know that's not what I want. And it can't be what you want either."

"I don't know what I want." It's a lie, but I'm hoping he buys it.

He doesn't. "That's a lie."

I sigh. "Fine, I know what I want. I want to stay here. I want my parents to accept me the way yours do. I want friends that joke with me like I'm normal. I want to go home and know that my parents won't care about what I am. I want to never have another cloudy day in my head ever again." I swallow. "And I want to stay with you." I don't say in what way. I'll let him interpret that however he wants to.

"I want your parents to love you too," Erik starts. I want you to stay. I want you to never have another cloudy day in your head. I want you to have friends that know you're normal because you are." This whole conversation we've been right next to each other, but only now do I realize just how close that is. "And I want you."

The air escapes my lungs. "You want me...what?"

Erik's hand brushes against mine. "I just want you."

"But the boy you like?"

Erik smiles at me. "It's you, Nicky. You're the boy."

"How?"

Erik laughs. "Why does everything need to be explained to you?"

"I'm a mess."

"Messes can be cleaned. And I don't think you're a mess. You just weren't given the love you deserve. I won't let that happen again. I want to love you the way you deserve to be loved."

I shake my head. "Erik," but I don't have anything to say. I think I just want to say his name.

"Do you feel the same way?" Erik asks.

I feel his hand brush mine again and I link our pinkies together. "Yes, I want you too."

Erik rests his forehead on mine and my heart soars. This. This is why I couldn't be fixed. Because this doesn't feel right with any girl. I know, I've tried many times to feel something like this with girls.

I take my unoccupied hand and brush it softly on his cheek. His skin is rough with stubble. I trace my finger to his lips and freeze. His lips are soft and smooth.

"Can I..." I whisper before I even think it through. I know I said that I wouldn't be able to kiss anyone, but it's Erik. Erik's the exception, he always has been.

"You don't have to ask." Erik whispers back.

I bring my mouth to his and it's unlike any kiss I've ever had. Usually with girls I was constantly wondering if I was doing it right. If they felt as uncomfortable as I did. With this, my head was clear. All I could feel was a sort of rightness in me. This. I thought again, this is why nothing else felt right.

Erik moves his hand to around my waist and I cradle the back of his head. When we finally break apart I'm breathless and my heart races in a giddy way.

I smile at him. If I thought I had felt good this past week, it was nothing compared to how I feel right now. Forget having no clouds in my head, I'm soaring with the stars right now.

Erik smiles back at me, his cheeks flushed. He cups my cheek in one hand, it's warm and firm. "You aren't going home." Erik says, stern. "I'll make sure of it. I'm not losing you."