A Year Away

Chapter 10

Things could be different here.

Doesn't matter. You have to go home.

I don't want to go home.

Doesn't matter. You don't have control over that, you never have.

I want control over that.

I stop in my tracks. The rain is pouring so hard that I can't see my surroundings. I don't want to go home. I don't want to see my parents again. I want to stay in Germany. I want to stay with the Klose's, with Erik. I want to tell them what I am.

I want to run the risk that they might hate me.

"NICKY!"

I snap around, squinting through the rain. "Erik?" I yelled his name louder. "Erik!" What is he doing? Wasn't he singing with Müller?

"Nicky! Where are you?" Someone rounds the corner and bolts toward me, it's Erik. "What are you doing? You don't know this part of town."

"Sorry," I stammer. His shirt is soaked through and his blonde hair is plastered to his face. "I needed some air."

"And a run, apparently." Erik is out of breath. "I've never seen you run that fast."

"Sorry."

"Stop-stop apologizing." Erik takes a deep breath and brings himself up to his full height. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

I nod, then shake my head. "I don't know."

"Was is the karaoke?"

"Kind of. I mean- no. I-" I dig my nails into my scalp. I thought I could tell him, I guess I couldn't. I've never been good with words, I don't know why I thought that would change now.

Erik puts his hand on my arm and pushes it down from my head. "Please don't do that again."

I swallow. "Sorry."

"Do you want to go home?" Erik asks.

"That's the last place I want to go right now." I mumble.

"Why?"

"Because it's my favorite place in the world, and I'm afraid I'll lose it."

Erik smiles at me. "You're not going to lose us, Nicholas, we'll always be here for you, even when you leave."

I shake my head. "You can't promise that."

"I can and I will."

"My parents said that to me too." It was true, they said something along those lines before I came out to them; how they'd love me forever no matter what I was going to tell them. "Now they can't look me in the eyes unless I lies to them."

"I don't know what about you could possibly be that bad. You are nowhere near repulsive, Nicholas Hemmick."

And neither is he, but he is the same as me.

"You don't know."

"Then tell me and I can prove you wrong."

"I don't want to lose you too."

Erik looks me dead in the eyes. His eyes are set and serious. A thousand armies couldn't move him. "You won't lose me."

The rain starts to let up so it's barely sprinkling now. My eyes are prickling though, and I know I'm crying. "I-I" There's a lump in my throat and it's suffocating me. I can't breathe; I can't speak.

Erik grabs my hand. "Nicky, you can tell me."

I look down at our shoes. "I like guys- I'm g- I like boys."