Rescue Me [H.S.]

13: The Blinding Paparazzi

"Harry, look over here!"

"Is that your girlfriend?"

"For how long have you been dating!?" 

The paparazzi is closing in on us, the flashes are blinding me. Luckily, Harry has his arm around me and leads us the way away from the paparazzi to the big black van that is waiting for us. How could people know when we would land in Heathrow Airport?

We had been so careful- only a few fans have recognized him in the weeks that we have been travelling and rumours even started that Harry Styles was dead or had left One Direction. We had been travelling for weeks around small cities in Europe: laughing, relaxing, eating, and just enjoying each other's company. But now we were back to reality, because he had to record the next album and he is under the impression that I want to go back to school to finish my education that is completely useless when I have no idea of what I want to do with my life, so we went back to London.

"Are you cheating on Taylor Swift?"

"Harry, isn't your girl the one who was shortly with Niall?"

I feel Harry's grip around me tighten, as he bites his lips, looks into the ground, and quickens his pace. My holiday in heaven is over. 

* * *

When we are inside the safety of the car with the toned windows, I feel his muscles relax and he lets out a relieved sigh.

"Sorry about that," he mutters followed by yet another sigh.

 "Don't apologize. I know that dating you means that there will be a bit of paparazzi."

"A bit?" he repeats and smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

 "Honestly, I don't mind. Really."

Harry turns his face to look out of the window to torture himself with seeing fans as well as paparazzi chase the car.

I place my hand on his shoulder. "You can't stop for them every time. They understand," I say quietly.

I know he doesn't like to hear it, because I know he wants to stop for everyone, but there are just too many fans. Too many pictures that have to be taken, too many cds and merchandise that he has to sign. Sometimes you have to be selfish - I wanna tell him that, but he continues to stare out of the window, so I don't.

The streets of London are blurry, as we drive by in a hurry. Harry has to join the boys for a small performance followed by an interview and I'm... I'm just supposed to follow him. To my surprise, a feeling of exasperation follows that little voice in my head. I check my phone, mostly just because there is too silent in the car. 

"Have you even talked to your mother? Or exchanged some texts at least?" Harry asks even though he already knows the answer. And that answer is hurting me.

"No."

"And what are you planning to do while I'm performing? Just being backstage, doing nothing?"

I just stare in front of me, not making eye contact with him as me eyes begin to glisten with tears.

"Oh, shit. I'm sorry - I didn't, I really didn't mean anything. I'm sorry," he stammers as he puts an arm around me, hugging me tightly. Which only causes more tears to stream down my face, that I quickly wipe away.

"No! You're right! I have an awful relationship with my mom, and my life is heading nowhere."

I pull away from Harry, drying my tears with my sleeve. 

"I just... School is starting soon again, but I didn't study at all for the last few months because... " I was planning on dying. I finish the sentence in my head, not wanting to say it out loud.From the confused look on Harry's face I know that he has no idea that I still think about dying and what a relief it would be: to not be in pain anymore, to not have to fight the urge to release the pain through cutting. I honestly wouldn't care if I die. I rarely enjoy life, too many thoughts intrude and destroy my potential happiness, but when i do enjoy life, it's only when I'm with him. Maybe I should learn to live on my own... Just end it already, you know it's gonna happen soon anyways. He dumps you, and the last shred of your potential happiness will be destroyed.

Unintentionally, I glance down on my wrists; if Harry looked closely he would be able to see some fresh new scars beneath the powder I use to conceal them. 

"I just... I just can't imagine my future being any good."

"Don't say that. You have your whole life ahead of you. I'm the one who's stuck in a boy band," he says and wipes a tear of my cheek with his thumb. 

"And - I'm kind of insulted. Don't say you don't see anything good in your future, when I'm in it. Okay?"

I nod my head and smile at him, a smile that convinces him that everything is fine. For now I will just leave it at that.