Rescue Me [H.S.]

15. A New Beginning

“You’re right. I should have said I’m in a relationship.”

“No. That’s not it. I- I don’t think we should be in a relationship.”

As soon as the words leave my lips – I regret them. It’s not exactly a lie; I know that our relationship won’t and can’t last much longer, as there are two scenarios that show the future of our relationship: he tries to fix me and when he can’t, he blames himself and then me for not being able to be fixed and we end up hating each other.

Second scenario is me losing what’s left of my independence and just become dependent on him, and in the end, he’ll be sick of me and dump me, and then I’ll be left with no dignity and no self-respect. Neither of the scenarios is to be preferred, so the right thing to do is to end it. That’s what my brain tells me, but my heart is already aching at the thought of not being with Harry every minute of the day.

The sun is mocking me, as it shines bright, on this summer day when all I feel like doing is crying. Harry and I are stading on the pavement somewhere in London. 

“What do you mean?” Harry asks – he suddenly steps so close to me that I can hear his uneven breathing. No cars are passing by at the moment, no disturbance to help me focus on something else. I can sense that he is no longer smiling but I don’t dare to look at his beautiful face or his green eyes that make me melt.

“I… I just- I love spending time with you, but... we’re from different worlds and it’s probably not gonna… gonna end well,” I stammer. Cars are finally driving past us, making it harder to hear how fragile and shaking my voice is. My messy hair hides my face – finally I’m glad that I never got that haircut and that my brown hair is always in the way.

“Is this because I didn’t say that I was dating you?” he asks and he cups my face, forcing me to look up and into his beautiful eyes that are glistening – not from smiling, but from tears.

“No... No, it’s not. It is just that…” I struggle to find the right words. It wasn’t because of that was it? But why was I doing this right now?

“If it is, I’ll call every newspaper I know and I’ll tell them right now,” he adds – his eyes are looking for mine, but I’m staring at the ground. I swallow and force myself to look at him, deciding to tell him part of the truth. If it wasn't such a serious moment, I would've laughed at the contrast between his serious look - how his green eyes are staring into mine - and how the wind is playing with his long, brown curls. 

“No. It’s not that. I just want to end this before I start to care too much. I either don’t care at all or care too much. That’s my thing. And you already mean the world to me… so, I’m already too late,” I explain and stare into his green eyes for what I think will be the last time. But then... he pulls my into a tight hug, his muscular arms around my waist. And I give in. I place my head on his shoulder and place my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. A sense of warmth flows through me, a feeling the strong sun or many layers of clothes could never give me. 

“You’re not dumping me because of something so silly,” Harry mutters. “Especially not when you’re wrong. I love you. I’ve loved you for quite a while now, so I’m the one who cares too much.” And for the first time I truly, deeply believe his words about how much he cares for me.

We hug for what felt like only a few seconds, before the paparazzi appears. The peacefulness disappears in the blink of an eye as cars are braking to catch a glimpse of Harry - of us. Too many 40-year-old or so men dressed in black, their faces invisible because of their huge cameras are closing in on us, shouting at each other or us - I'm not sure. 

I close my eyes and take a deep breath before pulling away from his hug, Harry does the same. Reality strikes again.

“I feel like we went back too soon, don’t you think?” Harry mutters and sighs, as the paparazzi yells at us. “Let’s get away from here,” he says, smiling at me as he takes my hand and drags me with him. 

In a way I am relieved that I didn’t go through with breaking up with him, because now that everything in my life is about him, how can I possibly live without him? Everything he has showed me to convince me of the beauty of life - the sunrises, the fantastic view from the Eiffel Tower, historical monuments, were only beautiful to me because he was right there with me. Except for the sunrises that he showed me - there is something so peaceful about watching the sunrise, like no matter what happens, a new day will come – and a new day is a new start. Maybe I can start again – become a better me. But can I ever truly recover from this depression and self-harming if I depend on Harry to pick me up every time I have a setback or a few dark thoughts? Right now I do depend on him, but maybe with time I can learn to depend on no one but myself and with that thought I let Harry drag me along – away from the paparazzi and towards a new beginning. 

//A/N: If anyone's confused because I've published a new chapter, but you can't seem to find it, then it's because I added a chapter in the beginning, called "4: Meeting Niall" and I think you should read it! I promise next update will be with a new chapter following the events of this chapter :)