my diary

rant (also not a day)

this will not be interesting and you will probably get a lot of second hand embarrassment from reading this, so continue at your own caution

but this is just a kind of rant?? ab identity and boring shit like that 🥵🥵🥵🥵
oh and btw this was copy and pasted from my notes so some of the font is weird for some reason

how am i supposed to know anything if i don't even know myself
people say to be yourself way too much imo
how do i do that
don't get me wrong, ig i want to but i don't even know where to start
and i don't know if that's normal
i feel like a fake
a fucking fake
i remember for as long as i can think back to, doing hundreds of personality tests but never knowing the answer to any of the questions
which is especially shitty since its just rubbing my lack of identity in my face after trying desperately to do something ab it
i think that's why i got so much into astrology
logically i know it probably doesn't mean as much as i tell myself it does
but i really want it to
but hey, at least i don't have low self esteem since i have pretty much no sense of self 😃
god i just realised how cringe and cliche this all sounds
and now all of this makes me very nervous bc i usually get like this right before it gets bad again
it feels like i've only just stabilised and now the cycle is repeating

why is it so hard to accept a lack of attraction to men?
i say that but i'm pretty sure i know the answer
all my life ive knew i liked girls in a way but i never dared to think that i may not like men
i still don't know if i do or not
think im just in denial at this point
everyone will be so disappointed
my plan was always to settle down with a man my family liked, no mess, no hassle
i think that would be lying to myself though
but is that so wrong?
probably
i know it's not true but i feel like less of a woman without a man
im trying to unlearn this but i feel like it's ingrained into my brain
ive always been taught that i should grow up, find myself a husband and have kids
keep everyone happy
idk maybe im being dramatic

i think all of this is just because of my age, i'm pretty sure it's normal but it seems like everyone else deals with it so much better than me
i watch other people quite a lot
how they interact with the world around them
it seems as though they do it so effortlessly
every detail about them perfect
no stutters or nervous picking
that's what i'm jealous of
being able to go out and just relax around other people
of course i can do that around my close friends but other than that, it all feels like an act