my diary

03/08/2021

just before you carry on, i want you to keep in your head as you read that i regret the majority of this day, will not be doing it again, and also don't recommend to anyone else in my situation 👅

ok so a couple days ago, becky (my sister) asked me to get drunk with her. she is younger than me by just under a year and a half, i'm 15.

for context, becky has always struggled with keeping stable friendships, i'm not exactly sure why but i just try to support her because i understand that that means i am really her only support "system". i want her to be able to talk to me about anything and i also want her to experience normal stuff that she would probably be doing in the summer holidays with her friends if she had any at the moment.

so when she asked me that, i knew that she's the kind of person who will just do what they want, especially after being told no so i wanted her to be safe in being drunk. i wouldn't want her in some sketchy place at night by herself and drunk so i said ok. we waited until today because we were home alone basically all day.

my plan was to drink a little slowly so i wouldn't get too drunk and irresponsible, i still needed to make sure that she was ok. it's safe to say that plan went out the window. it was an accident and i got caught up in the moment which then meant that i didn't realise how much becky was drinking and didn't cut her off soon enough. i'm pretty sure she's never even drunk before, well not very much outside of christmas and stuff like that so she didn't exactly take it very well. and by that i mean she got drunk quicker than i expected. she was probably drunker than me and i had a lot more than her.

we were day drinking so that we could sober up enough for no one to notice by the time my mum came home, and it worked. she had no suspicion of us being that drunk, we were probably acting a bit off but she probably passed it off as giddiness.

becky seemed fine until she started vomiting an hour ago. to clarify, she did only vomit once, obviously doesn't change it that much but i just want to be clear. my mum has been home to help her and stuff but i just feel really bad.

i feel it was my fault and even though nobody told me too, it's just instinct that i should look after my little sister when no one is home yet i let her do that. i didn't expect her to not take the alcohol well but in hindsight, i should've.

i text my friend about it and now i feel like she is angry at me or disappointed in me but i can't tell if she is being sarcastic or not.

don't get me wrong, i do regret doing it but at the same time, in the moment it was really nice. we could talk about emotional stuff a lot easier and i learnt that we actually struggle with a lot of the same stuff (which i guess makes sense because we have pretty much the exact same home life). it felt like a nice bonding experience in a twisted kind of way. i told her i love her for the first time in ages and we actually hugged like three times. idk that probably doesn't seem like a big deal but it is to us.

i hope she has learned a lesson and won't drink too much again after the vomiting, i know i definitely have