"Sometimes I wish I never fell I never fell in love, it makes me feel weak, vulnerable-"
"Stop right there."
"Did I do something wrong?"
"What's the real reason?"
"I'm telling you the real reason."
"Yet you're lying to me."
"What's the real reason you hate being in love."
I took a deep breath and watched her push up her glasses and squint her nose, something she did when she was analyzing. Her small and dainty hands gripped the pen tightly as she held eye contact with me. Something my fiance' refuses to give me any more of.
"The real reason is that it's a headache, a roller coaster of emotions that I'm not so sure I wanna ride or be on anymore."
"Why do you say that?"
"Yeah love is nice, but it's like whenever I feel I'm allowing myself to give them my all, to feel comfortable and safe to love, I retract."
"Why do you retract?"
"Because when it's good it's great but, then we're right back to where we started, arguing about the same thing, facing the same problems, seeing no change. The thought of being around her doesn't excite or bring me joy anymore, instead, it fills me with anger and dread. Coming home used to be my favorite thing to look forward to, now it's like an avoidant chore. We barely talk and if we do there's no intimacy in the conversation."
"Could it be that this stagnant dynamic is a signalization that you too shouldn't be together?"
"Could be, but it hurts when she's all I know." Even though I've been staring at you since we started this session
"Whenever we were happy, whenever I was happy, it never lasted. I didn't feel comfortable enough to allow myself to relax and be happy cause I was always waiting for the next problem or argument to arise. But when I do its bliss, it's happiness, it's smiling whenever she texts' or even lays next to me. Until she stops until this bliss wears off. Next thing you know you're feeling sad, weak, and vulnerable all because of this fucking thing that keeps popping up, and your angry but you don't wanna say anything cause you wanna keep the peace."
"If you're feeling like that have you tried talking with them?"
"No, I tried talking with them? you're pretty thick for a therapist."
"I didn't ask for sarcasm."
"I didn't ask for a response."
I smiled as her lip curled in distaste with my attitude. "Okay, I think our sessions are over" she stood up I did the same. I looked her up and down focusing on the pencil skirt that hugged her frame. Showing her hourglass of perfect "imperfections". "My eyes are up here."
"I'd like to keep mine where they are thank you."
I took one step forward and she took a couple of steps back, we played this tedious game over and over until she was backed up into her desk clenching the edge. "Armine, back up." Her body ran stiff while her head was faced away from me.
"If you can look me in the eye and tell me to move, I'll move." Her head stayed down and her hands tightened on the desk. "Move."
I tilted her head up at me. "Now tell me you want me to move."
She was silent, her lips were pouted and her eyebrows were distorted in confusion. Her eyes ran to her ring finger and then mine. Her rock signified marriage while mine engagement. These flawed commitments prevent her from going further.
"We don't have to do this Gia. We both have imperfect relationships, both are suffering in some form, some way. But I refuse to sit here and act like I don't lie awake at night thinking of what it would feel like to have your skin against mine in that intimate way." She exhaled, looking into my eyes, heeding my words. "From the way you talk about him and the things I've heard, if he can get under someone else and then come home and lie in the same bed with you as nothing happened he doesn't deserve you. You're a woman with a mind of no limits with a gorgeous beauty to match. Not to mention you on your shit as well. You have it all but one thing Gia, revenge." I took a step closer to her, searching for any hint of words her soul could say that her mouth won't. I've seen these eyes many times yet they always find a way to take me there. To a place filled with mystery and secrets that you can't help but want to uncover.
