Risk it All

Lost & Lonely

August 2012

Bailey's POV:
It's been four months since I told Brantley that I wasn't able to have kids. Four long months since I have even laid eyes on him. The day that I had dropped that bomb on him, I had talked to Mike and he had immediately moved some things around and arranged for me to work with Trace Adkins as his stylist. As luck would have it, his former stylist had quit that very same day and he was in dire need of a new one. Luckily, my name had become pretty well known in my field because of my work with Brantley and Chase so it had been easy for Mike to convince Trace that I would be a good fit.
But the time that's passed between without seeing him isn't what's been keeping me up at night. No, that would be the miracle that's growing inside of me that I have been to chicken to tell anyone about. Especially not his Mama who had started calling me once a week to check in on me. I swear it was like she knew I was hiding something. I'd ignored her calls in the beginning hoping that she would take the hint that I didn't want to talk, but I soon realized that she wasn't going to give up. For a while there, I didn't know who was more persistent, her or Brantley. Luckily he had taken the hint and hasn't called in three months.
But the truth was, I wasn't even sure that I exactly believed the fact that I was pregnant even after the doctors had confirmed it. I kept waiting to wake up from this dream. For so long, I had been told that it just wasn't in the cards for me to have kids. I had accepted reality a long time ago that I would never know the feeling of carrying a child. And I had been okay with that -for the most part- until Brantley had mentioned that he would be okay if I ended up pregnant and that he wanted kids.
I knew that I needed to tell Brantley that I was pregnant. I knew that if he found out from anyone else, he would be royally pissed. But I also knew that he would go all caveman on me and demand that we get married and would more than likely tie me up in his recording studio until I agreed to do so. But I just couldn't bring myself to tell him. Or anyone for that matter. I didn't want to look back on my life later and wonder if he married me because I was pregnant or because he had loved me like he said he did.
I'd had an appointment the two days ago to find out the sex of the baby. I'd cried my eyes out when the doctor told me that it was a boy. I could already see him looking just like his father. I knew that he would have those same green eyes that knocked me to my knees and would give me more headaches than a few in the coming years. But, I wouldn't trade all the headaches in the world for the joy of saying that my dreams had come true and that I was a mother. I just wished that I had the guts to call Brantley and tell him. I couldn't tell you how many times I have pulled out the ultrasound pictures and stared at it late at night as everyone was sleeping. I couldn't tell you how many times my finger has hovered over Brantley's name in my contact list before I chickened out and didnt call.

"Hey sweetheart, you okay?" asked Trace as he walked into the room, pulling me from my thoughts of Brantley and the time that has passed. "You look exhausted."

"Yeah Trace. I'm okay. Just haven't been sleeping that well." I replied as I walked around the clothing racks sorting out things for Trace and his band. Truth was, I haven't really slept in four months. I'd only been averaging maybe three to four hours a night because every time I closed my eyes, I saw Brantley's face. I saw the hurt look in his eyes when I walked out on him. I saw the hurt written on his face because I had given up. Add to that the morning sickness that I had dealt with on top of long hours working, I was running on fumes.

"Why don't you go back to my bus and get some sleep. The guys won't bother you there. I think we are all capable of getting ourselves dressed for one night." said Trace. In the short time that I have been working for him, he has become like a father figure to me. Today wasn't the first time that he had called me out on my exhaustion but it was the first one that I was considering taking him up on his offer.

"Trace, I can't do that. I have a job to do." I argued, even though I was tempted to take him up on it.

"You can and you will sweetheart. I won't have you killing over from exhaustion on my watch. Now, go to my bus and get some sleep." said Trace as he picked up the note bad I had been scribbling on earlier and wrote down the access code for his bus. "Now go on before I carry you there myself. Oh and take the bed. You'll be more comfortable."

Resigned to my fate, I grabbed my phone and thanked him before I walked out of the room. Once outside, I made my way to his bus, reading emails and setting an alarm so that I wouldn't miss the show. After entering the code, I walked to the back of the bus and tugged the oversized t-shirt I had been wearing over my head, leaving me in my leggings and tank top. Grabbing the throw that was on the foot of the bed, I kicked my shoes off and laid down on the bed. I wrapped myself in the blanket. I opened up my music app and set it to playing today's hottest country songs. When Brantley's voice came through the speakers of my phone, I let the tears that came so easily now fall. It didn't take long before sleep won out though.