A rose to grind

-34-

"I would choose... Ynez."

As soon as that answer left my lips, the frenzied expression that painted Etienne's face filled my entire view. Beside me, Ynez's hand that was squeezing my hand tightened. I could even trace the faint trembling outlines of his long fingers that were entangled within mine. For a split moment, it felt like it was so wrong, yet so right.

The complicating feelings left me with nothing but contempt for fate and confusion. Did I have some tender feelings for Etienne? Yes, that was indeed true. I had once favored him, for I envisioned and tricked myself into thinking he was my solace and the key to end all my suffering. I thought that if I were under his wings, I would be protected from anything, but I figured, that was no longer the case.

Etienne was no longer useful to me. I had sworn to myself that I would find a way out of this hellhole, to return to my world, to return to my throne. The key was Ynez.

Simply speaking, Ynez was not my savior. No, I wouldn't put it that way. I would be the one to save myself. Ynez was no more than a stepping stone. I didn't know who he was comparing me to, by calling me Kage. The name didn't even ring a notion in my head. But, I should take advantage of his attraction towards me, then I would escape from this hell.

That was my humble plan. Yet when Etienne made such a crumbled expression, one resembling a porcelain doll cracking to reveal its innermost depths. Like a cobweb, the feelings that made way up my throat made me unable to continue.

No, this wasn't right. Emotions were no more than a chain to humanity, to remind that that they were slaves to their instincts. I wasn't like them. I should be superior to them. I'm.. never like those boring worms.

"Tell me you're lying Yugo. Please," Etienne whispered his last word, almost doubling over from the anguish seizing his whole body. Here he was, being a slave to his emotions. "I.. I gave up everything for you. I left my mom, my title, my beliefs, all my reasons. I left myself for you, Yugo. How.. why.. why now? If you had told me sooner, I wouldn't have poured in all my affections in you, Yugo!"

"Can't you feel it?" His features had almost turned delusional. There was a certain, imperceptible hint of clarity like being smacked in the face with a bucket of ice-cold water, but all of those were meddled in with all the insanity and delusions. His hand that reached out towards my stomach was quivering, but he mustered the strength to press it against my exposed stomach.

"All my love is inside of here. The fruit of our love. Can you turn away from me so easily?"

"The fuck are you talking about you crazy fuck!" Ynez's tone was full of hostility. He swatted away at Etienne's hand like Etienne had coveted his hard-earned treasure. But, Etienne's hand did not budge even after all that pressure like a thick pillar withstanding the toppling winds. The face he made towards me resembled a man who had his entirety stripped away from him.

"Stop." With one word, Ynez had fully retracted his hand back onto my hand like an obedient, well-trained mutt. He pressed his chest against my bare back and I could feel his erratic heartbeats through the fabric of his shirt. They were loud and irregular, beating themselves away like a choir band in a rhythmic fashion, akin to the sounds of a marching band.

"Etienne, men can't give birth," my voice was unrelenting and stern with no emotion that could be mistaken for sympathy, or anything else. "I don't want to drag on things any longer. You can have the house, you can have the whole damn place, but you can't have my heart... Etienne. You never had it in the first place. What you had was no more than a delusion a childish thirteen-year-old concocted. No more! It's no more than that."

"It's not childish!" Etienne weakly defended. He had been outraged to the point of standing up, seemingly about to flip the next surface he could get his hands on, but when not even a furniture was in sight except for the bedside table that was close by the entangled form of the couple—of Ynez and I, Etienne trembled. He didn't seem to want to hurt me.