A rose to grind

Castelli's interlude

I was once in love with a human,
or a god, or whatever they were,
they didn't seem to exist in my world.

A world that was fictional, yet never to
come alive.
I guess that is what I am.
A character in a book.

I only discovered my true existence
when I peered into those eyes.
The eyes that was my fall from grace.
They were beautiful, curious, even humorous.
And they stared into me like a vulture.

That was when I fell, not physically, but
metaphorically.
It was always ironic to me how I had
always thought of myself as a god
until I saw god themself.
And I fell in love with them.
I fell in love with god.

A gender that was unknown, a face I don't
recall, and a voice I've never heard,
and an age of nothing.
Can you fall in love with a faceless person?
I didn't think it was possible,
possible for me to fall,
possible for me to fall so hard,
possible for me to even fall.
But I did.
And the process throughout was bittersweet.

I can still taste it on my lips,
feel it on my tongue,
the love I was so obsessed to achieve,
was nothing more than a god and a devotee.

They stared at me from above,
and as much as I jump,
as much as I claw my way up,
I'll never reach where they are.

Perhaps, a sanctuary of some sort,
wrapped in a bundle of feathery cloth,
they are safe.
And I am relieved.
However, my heart aches,
and I think I know why.

Why am I trapped in this white space?
This white room?

There was no entrance, and no exit.
I was stuck in a vast plain, endless,
And I know, because my feet are still
sore from the journey to the purgatory.
I've crossed miles, and reached milestones.
But....
Why can't I still reach you?
Why are you so far from my reach?
Why don't you love me?

Can you hear me?
Are you listening?

There are so many questions inside my head,
but I'll never get an answer.
A single reply,
a response so hard to reach.

....

Perhaps I am taking out my anger
on bystanders.
But, honestly, I think I'm going crazy.
I never thought I'd been feeling these
useless emotions only meant as a punishment
to humans.
Have I done something wrong?
Why won't you answer?

When I get to the top, and I am to
possess you whole-heartedly,
I swear I am never going to let you go.
I am not insane.
But I want you so bad.
I've been longing for you for centuries,
even eons, yet you have no clue.
I think I am a pitiful man.
No, a pitiful god.
A pitiful, fictional god.

But, you are my god.
My sense of reality is different from yours,
so I am here, trying to cross over two dimensions.
I haven't got a clue,
but I know my soul aches for you,
and your eyes.
Your beautiful, ethereal eyes.
Even if I wrack my brain to recall,
I don't remember how they looked like.
But I know that when you set your eyes on me,
I was lit aflame with a desire that I've never felt.
It was an awakening to a new world.
Your world.

Ynez is in my possession.
He will feel what I felt when I
searched for you across a white canvas.
He will never have Kage,
because as long as I don't get my happy ending,
no one will have theirs.

....

Are you disappointed?
Or perhaps elated?
If I'm nothing more than a fiction,
I'll be easier to forget.
I know the tastes of my god.

You've seen things.
You've seen people.
All kinds of people.
You've read lines.
You've read pictures.

I don't know how to describe what I feel.
Or perhaps it was because I was written to
feel this way that I am to suffer at the
resplendent monotony of love.
As expected, I am writing with no
clear rendezvous.
I don't know to where this letter will go,
but I hope it can reach you,
the you who is up there, or watching
me now as silent as ever.

I want to be the only lines you've ever read,
and the only person you'll open your eyes to.
I like your eyes,
And I love you.
My dearest, sweetest reader,
because you're in your world,
and I am in mine,
It's impossible for me to have you.
But I'll have you metaphorically.

One day, I'll crawl out of this space,
then I'll see you in your dreams.
I'll be there, as still as a shadow,
or even in your shadow,
I'll always be there.

In every mirror that you see,
I'll be staring back at you from a different
universe, a secondary world that
might just exist somewhere.

Because you wanted the love of
an obsessive man,
I am what you get.
Your retribution and your reward.
You can decide on either.
Though, your opinion won't matter
regardless, because...

I love you.
And you read me
like a book.
My own god, my own religion.
I'll come home,
so don't close your bedroom door.