running on empty

18 // Video.

He hated how much he knew, sometimes.

This whole thing gave him an intimate knowledge of how these things worked, of how an unhealthy outlook on eating, dieting, and weight could all culminate into something greater. A larger insight on how horrible fad diets actually were for the body, given how similar most of them seemed to his eating habits.

He had done research of his own, during the worst of it. On how metabolisms worked, when was the best time to eat, how often you should eat, anything he could use to twist for his own gain. The knowledge stuck, even if it was used for something awful, and it slowly became harder not to correct other people when they told him about a new diet that involved something that wouldn't work.

Hence his fear whenever one of his friends brought up a new diet.

"Yeah, I'm doing intermittent fasting," Mika hummed, popping a Gusher into her mouth. "Not right now, obviously, but."

Ethan nodded along, barely processing the words. They were working on a puzzle, but it was turning into more of a solo project as Mika scrolled through their phone. Ethan was still determined, though. "Oh?"

"It's the, uh... the one - the one here you don't eat for a couple days of the week and then fast for like 16 hours the other days. I'm not even, like, hungry anymore, and my head is so clear!"

That caught his attention.

He was well aware of the almost-euphoria that came with fasting. The decreased hunger, the sudden clear-headedness, the light feeling. He knew it well - the feeling itself had dragged him back into relapsing a few times.

But he also knew about what happened afterward. How the decreased hunger suddenly became sharp hunger pangs and nausea, creating a cycle between being hungry and having no appetite. The clear-headedness and light feeling became foggy confusion and shaky limbs that were too tired to do much, or a hollow chest that never seemed to be able to suck in enough air.

"Hm. When I did that, they called it an eating disorder." He said it in passing, but even he could hear the sharp tone behind his words. It wasn't like he was mad at Mika - fad diets were fads for a reason, they had great marketing and pretty faces behind them, of course they would work - but the idea that she would do the same shit as him, the same shit that fucked up his perception of food and his body for - possibly forever? It scared him.

Mika blinked in shock, and then slowly lowered the Gusher they were about to eat. "What?"

Oh shit.

He hadn't told her yet. How had he not told her yet? Feeling a lot shakier than before, he choked. "I - uh - we were talking about intermittent fasting -"

"Hey, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Mika hushed, grabbing the hand Ethan was using to tear apart his phone case and taking it in theirs. "But... if you -"

Ethan shook his head. He wanted to talk about this. He - he needed to, didn't he? If only to explain why he was against this new diet that supposedly seemed to be helping Mika.

Steeling himself, he started. "Yeah, I - I have an eating disorder. And I know what happens after the first fasting phase. It's like - like a honeymoon. And then you start getting tired and weak and shaky but you can't stop -"

"And you don't want that for me," Mika finished, frowning. "Eth, I..."

"I know it's not like that for everyone," Ethan quickly interjected, feeling the need to defend himself. He knew plenty of people fasted without developing a disorder. Hell, Mark had done it, and he was fine. It didn't mean that he was weak, or anything, for cultivating an unhealthy obsession (even if it felt like it), but what happened to him didn't always happen to everyone else.