running on empty

9 // Applesauce.

Ethan groaned, rolling over in his bed. His hands knocked into the headboard as he arched his back, but he didn't mind. Why would he when he could just get back under the covers and sleep for a little longer?

Unfortunately, the beeping of his alarm disagreed, and he found himself reluctantly sitting up to turn it off. Right. He had to film today. 

Because of his little... incident the day before, he and Mark had to reschedule filming immediately. They really couldn't afford to put it off anymore, and knowing that had Ethan hauling his tired ass up and to the bathroom to get ready.

Carefully avoiding the mirror, he finished up his morning routine and walked over to the pile of laundry on his chair. With everything going on, he hadn't had the time or energy to put it away. Now it just sat sad and forgotten in the corner of his room, clean but crumpled and wrinkled. It would just have to do for now - he didn't have time to run a new load.

Digging through the fabric, he tried searching for a shirt he knew would make him look good. They were posting these videos for millions to view, after all. Looking fat on camera was not an option, especially after his binge.

A bright pink stood out, and he gingerly picked it up. It was soft, and definitely one of his more comfortable shirts... But it was too bright. Lighter colors never looked good on him. Tossing it aside, he dug around until he found a black shirt. The color was fine, but it normally clung too tight to him, showing off everything he hated and just proving even more that he wasn't at his goal. It was one of his favorite shirts, though - maybe he had lost enough to make it fit?

Checking the clock, Ethan decided that it couldn't hurt to try a few things on. It's not like he needed to be at Mark's for another hour anyway. Averting his eyes from the mirror, he stripped off his pajama top and threw the black one on. Time to put it to the test.

He took a deep breath before turning towards the mirror. At first glance, it wasn't... bad. It hung like a normal shirt. But the longer he kept looking, the more imperfections he found. His stomach stuck out awkwardly, and the way the sleeves fit made his shoulders look larger than they were. Did his chest always look that wide?

Taking a deep breath, Ethan turned away from the mirror. He couldn't wear this shirt - there was no way he was going to go out looking like that, putting everything wrong with him on display.

Thirty minutes passed that way - with him scrutinizing each shirt until he had nothing left to wear. Frustrated tears slipped down his cheeks, and he let out a quiet scream. Did he really look so ugly that nothing could hide it?

Sniffling, he trudged over to his bed, wearing nothing but his pajama bottoms. This was his life now - staying under the covers so that no one could see what he looked like. He was just going to hermit here forever, never seeing the light of day again -

His phone rang, and the vibrations right next to his ear shocked him into movement. In his haste to pick it up from the pillow, he accidentally clicked the green answer call button, and Mark's face suddenly came into view.

"Hey, I just wanted to let you know you need to bring - are you crying?" His eyes zeroed in on Ethan's, and the younger man squirmed uncomfortably.

"No," he lied, "what do I need to bring?"

Mark bit his lip, but only shook his head before speaking again. "Okay. You need to bring goggles and a swimsuit, we might be doing something in the pool." Oh, fuck.

Giggling nervously, he glanced over at the pile of discarded shirts on his floor. The only thing worse than wearing one of those was wearing no shirt at all. How could he possibly swim in next-to-nothing if he was having a crisis over tshirts he wore everyday? "Uh, can we - reschedule that? I don't think I have any clean pairs."

Right as Mark opened his mouth to answer, Amy poked her head into frame. Her cheery smile didn't seem appropriate for the fear she made bubble up in his chest. "You can wash them at our house, Eth! It'll be fine!" Double fuck.

"Oh, no, I wouldn't want to bother you. Besides," he added, looking around his room, "I don't think I could find a pair."