running on empty

5 // Research

Small blue letters blinked up at him from his phone. Even though the brightness was turned all the way down in the dark room, the words still felt like they were burning him.

"Eating Disorder Symptoms:"

After his episode in the bathroom, Ethan hadn't been able to concentrate on anything. He was only able to film two more videos before being sent home by Mark, and the entire time the memory of what he tried to do was on repeat in his mind.

He couldn't believe he had tried to force himself to throw up. That was something only people with eating disorders did, and...

Well. He didn't want to think about the implications of that.

Unfortunately his curiosity spiked once he was alone in the middle of the night, and he found himself pulling out his phone and opening Safari. At first he had tried to find another explanation - something that reassured him that what he was doing was perfectly healthy and safe. Though after skimming any article he could find, forum archives, and even watching a few YouTube videos he was only pointed back to the one explanation he dreaded to think about.

Shit, maybe he did have an eating disorder.

Ethan closed his eyes tightly and took a deep breath. He should at least read the rest of the article, right? It couldn't hurt to know, and he might be wrong anyway. Everything would be fine, there was no need to freak out like he was.

Taking another breath, he finally allowed himself to scroll down.

"Anorexia Nervosa."

Almost instantly he turned his phone off and threw it to the end of his bed. He felt like he was suffocating and his stomach was trying to crawl up and out of his throat, cutting off his oxygen in the process. Everything was too much all at once and there was no way out.

What was wrong with him?

Suddenly it was too hot under his duvet and he ripped it off, almost leaping out of his bed. He barely registered the cold floor of his bedroom under his feet as he fled the room and raced down the hall. It was too dark to see, but he had long since memorized his house well enough to make it to the kitchen. He needed a glass of water to calm down.

Spencer lifted his head as Ethan walked by, dog tags jingling softly in the otherwise quiet home and alerting the young man. He smiled softly and quickly wiped the tears that were streaking down his face. "Come here, Spence," he cooed, patting the tile next to where he had slumped onto the floor. "Come on."

Spencer padded into the kitchen, nails making soft clicking noises against the tile. The dog rested his head on his lap, and Ethan ran his hand through the soft fur. "There you go," he muttered. Small sniffles still echoed in the tiny room, but they were becoming fewer and farther between. "Isn't that nice?"

He fell asleep there, curled up against the fridge and his dog at three in the morning.

The next morning when Ethan woke up, Spencer was replaced by a nasty crick in his neck.

Standing up, he stretched out his limbs and hissed out a quiet "fuck, never doing that again," before walking back to his bedroom. Light poured in from the window, bathing the room in soft late-morning yellows and he silently basked in the peaceful atmosphere. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept in like that, or seen how the sunlight lit up his room at this time of day.

Unfortunately, his phone beeped from beneath the blankets he had hap-hazardly thrown onto the floor the night before, and Ethan gingerly bent down to pick it up. It was at 23% battery, but otherwise seemed undamaged despite how hard he had thrown it. Wincing at the memory, he scrolled through his notifications for anything important.

Seeing that mark had texted him sometime that morning, he tapped on the message without thinking.

Mark: hey we didn't exactly get to finish yesterday | sent 9:08
Mark: which is fine! you needed a break | sent 9:08
Mark: but we might want to try finishing up today | sent 9:09
Mark: ethan? | sent 10:14
Mark: just let me know either way, i guess. | sent 10:35

You: oh shit sorry! just woke up | sent: 11:49
You: but yeah, that sounds good. see you in twenty? | sent 11:49

Ethan cursed at himself, running his free hand through his hair. Of course Mark would try to plan something - he should have set an alarm instead of having a weird breakdown at three in the morning! Now they were behind schedule and it was all his fault. Mark was going to hate him.

He flopped down onto his bed and frowned up at the ceiling. Speaking of weird breakdowns, maybe it was for the better that he hadn't looked at the symptoms. After all, they would be stuck in his head all day and he would never be able to focus on the videos they needed to film to get back on schedule. Everything was going to be ruined because he couldn't control himself. Sighing, he checked his phone again.

Mark: no it's fine. i guess you really needed that. | sent 11:53
Mark: see you in twenty | sent 11:53

"Shit," he groaned, turning his phone off again. Mark was mad at him. Trying not to panic, he quickly made his way to the bathroom and washed his face. Wiping off the dried tear tracks from the night before was more refreshing than he would have thought, and when he used eye drops for his crying-induced dry eyes he felt almost completely refreshed. The last thing he needed was a shower, but he knew it would take far too long. Instead he doubled up on deodorant, hoped it would be enough, and rushed to get dressed in something presentable.

Finally, he made his way out of his room and into the living room, grabbing his keys and shoes on the way. "Come on, Spence! We're going to Mark's!" Ethan smiled as the dog happily trotted up to him and he quickly clipped the leash on his collar and brought him out to the car.

Fifteen minutes later, he found himself at Mark's house. Mourning the missed exercise opportunity, he parked his car in the driveway and walked up to the front door with Spencer. While he needed to burn off the calories from lunch the day before, he didn't want to make his friend wait any longer than he already had, and walking could take up to an hour of time he didn't have.

The door opened then, revealing Mark's smiling face. "Ethan! You're finally here." A pang of guilt settled in Ethan's stomach then, and he smiled nervously. He could barely comprehend what Mark had said - he was too caught up in the apology he was writing in his head.

As soon as he stepped inside Mark swung the door closed, hardly flinching at the loud bang that echoed throughout the house. Ethan curled into himself slightly at the gesture and bit his lip as he trailed his friend into the house. He needed to apologize soon, but he didn't know what to say that would make this situation better. Plus, what if the moment had passed? What if Mark was silently fuming because he couldn't even muster up the courage to say sorry?

Swallowing nervously, he decided to just go for it. "Mark? I'm so, so sorry that I made you wait. I don't know what got into me last night - I was up really late and then forgot to set an alarm, and then I overslept - which isn't an excuse of course! I should've been here -" He cut himself off as the older man turned around, eyebrows raised almost into his hairline.

"Sorry?"

Shit, Ethan internally cursed. "Sorry, I know a stupid sorry isn't enough, but I promise to try and go fast today! Without sacrificing the videos of course -"

"No, Ethan why are you saying sorry? It's fine. You needed the sleep, man. And we're not even behind schedule yet anyway." He cocked his head at Ethan's deer-in-the-headlights expression, eyes twinkling with amusement. "You didn't think I was mad over you sleeping in, did you? We both know you've done that enough times over the course of the channel." Laughing, he turned back around and continued walking.

He knew now that Mark was just teasing and didn't mean anything by it, but Ethan still couldn't help but feel hurt by the comment. It was true, he had been sleeping in recently. Not only was he getting lazy with his food, but he was falling behind with his channels, too, and that was unacceptable.

Making up his mind, he decided to put his "research" on an indefinite hiatus. He couldn't afford to make up all of these problems with his life - he had more important things to worry about and trying to make himself feel special would only interfere with that. Smiling tightly, Ethan followed after Mark, helping him set up the equipment for that day's recording.