running on empty

12 // Celery.

The pumpkins were finally finished days later. They sat proudly on Mark and Amy's TV stand - one practically perfect in every way, and one lopsided and sharp (the tiny little bumps of clay got pokey in the kiln) - but the two assured him they loved them both equally. And, yeah, maybe Ethan did, too, if for different reasons.

It was stupid, but the misshapen ball was a reminder of how he had finally opened up and truly admitted he had a problem. Being able to look at the TV and be reminded of that day and how much his friends cared - it was nice.

He had told Mark not long after he spilled his heart out to Amy. The man had come home to find Ethan all snotty-faced and red-eyed as he made a small pumpkin, and obviously had some questions. Surprisingly, it was easier to tell him than he thought it would be - probably because he had already admitted it the first time - and Mark, much like Amy, reacted positively. No mocking him for being a little slow on the uptake, or being too scared to admit it until then.

It was such a huge relief, in fact, that he had been busy for the rest of the day - finally having enough energy to do something other than work mindlessly or curl up under the covers all day. Even his other friends - the ones he hadn't even told there was a problem yet, let alone what kind of problem - had noticed.

But it wasn't like Ethan was intentionally keeping that part of his life from them! He was closer to a few of the people left in the dark than he was to Mark or Amy (though that may be debatable now), but it was just... Harder. To open up to them, too.

There was something about telling someone who already knew you practically inside and out - some sort of wall or blockade keeping him from telling them the truth, and it frustrated him to no end. These were the people he had cried to countless times over things both bigger and smaller than this, but it still wouldn't come out.

He reasoned it away to himself as just being too close for comfort. Ethan didn't want to lose them, or worry them more than they needed to be worried, and not telling them would be the best course of action. They already had an image of him in their mind - he didn't need to shatter that.

And his reasoning would work if he hadn't told Mark and Amy.

They weren't his absolute best friends in the world, of course, but he did love them, and feared losing them or worrying them just the same as he feared for all of his friends - so why did he tell them?

It could have had something to do with seeing them almost every day. Things get hard to hide when you have to be around someone that long, and, really, they figured it out before he would admit it to himself, so...

But he still didn't need to admit it.

He let out a sharp sigh and stood up quickly, deciding that whole... debate was entirely too confusing and frustrating to follow any further. Mark glanced up at him from his laptop, but Ethan just shook his head and made his way to the fridge.

The blast of cold air felt nice on his skin as he grabbed the filter and poured out a glass of water, and he let himself bask in the quiet moment. He didn't need to worry about telling everyone just yet - even telling one person was a huge success in his book, and he didn't want to soil it about stressing over who to tell next.

Besides, maybe they'd figure it out themselves, too - he couldn't deny that he had lost a noticeable amount of weight in the past few months, and his friends were starting to point it out more and more. Maybe it'd be better if they came to that conclusion before he had to tell them, anyway. It would save him some of the pain.

Unfortunately, he was quickly reminded of why he didn't want to tell anyone at all when Mark glanced at his glass of water.

"'S that all you've had today?"

Ethan took a slow sip before answering, looking anywhere but at his friend. "Why?"

"It's nearly nine, dude."

Ethan just snorted and gave Mark an unimpressed glare. It was from a place of care, yes, but that didn't stop it from being a little annoying. "Yeah, I can tell the time."

The older man just sighed and looked back to his laptop, finishing up whatever video he was editing. From the looks of it, it seemed like another Phasmophobia video, and Ethan let out a small laugh.

Was that all they filmed these days? Among Us and Phasmophobia?

"What?" Mark hummed, looking up at him. His eyes crinkled softly around the edges, and Ethan felt himself smile reflexively. "What're you laughing at, chuckles?"

"We should play Phasmophobia and Among Us on Unus Annus. Really tie all three channels together."

"What would we even do? Lecture strangers about the inevitability of death as we kill them?"

"We would get kicked so fast, dude." Mark's eyes lit up at that, and Ethan felt a bit of playful worry settle in his stomach. Sometimes his ideas could be...

Well, pee soda existed now because of him.

"Hear me out - don't give me that look, Ethan Nestor-Darling, you haven't even heard it yet - we try to get voted off as quickly as possible every round. Like, leaving cryptic messages about death and life's end and all that shit. Or even just spamming 'cock' until we get kicked."

Ethan just raised an eyebrow and checked the clock again. "How is it that it's only nine and you're already incapable of thought?"

"Hey!" Mark slapped a hand on his chest, trying his hardest to look offended even though the smile ruined it. "I think my idea is great, thank you very much! What's wrong with it?"

"That's my point - what are we even going to do? We can't make a whole video out of getting voted off."

"Uh, yes we can. We're Unus Annus - we can make a video out of anything."

"Quarantine was pretty bad, though."

Raising his hands in defeat, Mark agreed. Quarantine was pretty bad.

"It's fine," Ethan said, reaching over to rub Mark's shoulder. "It's not your fault that head of yours is too big to function properly."

Mark barreling into him took him by surprise, but he quickly recovered, reaching up to push at Mark's shoulder. "Hey! Cut it out!"

A hand pushed down on his chest, pinning him in place, and Mark grinned wolfishly down at him. "Not until you admit I had a good idea." Giggling, Ethan shook his head, trying in vain to push Mark off again. The video idea was awful, and even if it wasn't he wasn't going to tell the older man that.

"Then I guess I have to resort to drastic measures." He tilted his head in confusion, unsure of what "drastic measures" meant until Mark's hand ghosted his side and he started thrashing wildly.

"No! No don't tickle me, please!" He begged, laughing to the point of wheezing. "I'll do anything, please!"

Grinning even wider, Mark just wiggled his fingers in the air - his meaning obvious. Admit I was right or I'll tickle the hell out of you.

Unfortunately for him, Ethan just couldn't give in on this one.

"Alright, fine." Mark sighed when Ethan made no move to counteract the tickling. "You asked for it." He reached for Ethan's side again, laughing when the younger boy tried to pull away. "Three... two... one!"

He jabbed at Ethan's side, watching as his friend tried to squirm away. Laughing heavily, he moved up, feeling Ethan's ribs poking through his hoodie.

Wait - those were really prominent.

Mark stopped abruptly, and Ethan looked up at him curiously, laughter trailing off. "Have you finally decided I'm right, or...?"

"When was the last time you ate?" The other man asked instead. It didn't surprise Ethan as much as it should've - interrupting things to deal with his problem and the things that came with it was a near-hourly occurrence by now. Especially with Mark. So, to say he wasn't expecting this when the older man pushed him down on the couch would be as much of a lie as admitting that Among Us Unus Annus was a good idea.

He shrugged, tangling his fingers in Mark's hoodie strings. Eye contact was too much right now, especially with how close they were. "Doesn't matter. Are you finally going to admit I'm right?"

"Look at me," Mark ordered, and Ethan did. Looking at him was always intense - he wasn't even sure he could handle it if they were talking about something normal - so staring into Mark's eyes, talking about this, was far too much. "Can you please go eat something? We bought celery."

Feeling something at the thought of them buying celery just for him, Ethan tried to dissipate the tension with wildly inappropriate jokes, just like he always did. "Ah, yes, rabbit food. My favorite."

"It's low -"

"I know it's a low-calorie food," Ethan assured. He smiled, somehow amused by the fact Mark didn't think he would've memorized the exact calorie count in a stick of celery by now, and poked at the older man's chest. "I'm mentally ill, dude, you think I didn't know that?"

His eyes widened, and Mark quickly back-tracked. "No, that's not - I didn't -"

Laughing again, Ethan tugged on the hoodie strings. Mark's head followed for some reason, and he tried not to think about how close their faces were. "Chill, I'm teasing. Will eating some get you to admit Among Us is a bad idea?"

There was something about the way Mark was looking at him - it was familiar, but Ethan just couldn't quite place it. All soft and gooey - sappy shit he normally didn't show around others. "Yes, I'll admit Among Us was a bad idea if you go eat your rabbit food."

"Cool beans." Ignoring the voice telling him it was a bad idea, Ethan kissed the tip of Mark's nose, using the momentary shock to roll out from under him and stand up. "Where'd you put it?"
  Instead of any intelligible reply, Mark just stared at him. He couldn't tell if it was the lighting in the room, or something else, but he seemed to be blushing, and the sight was so wholesome that Ethan internally vowed he'd had to kiss him on the nose more. "Uh - Fridge. In the fridge, behind the onions in the vegetable... thing."

"Crisper?"

"Yes. Crisper. Behind the onions in the vegetable crisper."

Nodding, Ethan made his way back into the kitchen for the second time that hour. "Thanks, babe!"

He didn't hear what Mark said - if anything - after that, too busy hunting in the fridge for the celery. He wasn't even particularly hungry, but hearing his friend admit that his idea was bad was all he cared about right now, so he pulled out the vegetable and bit off a chunk.

"Here, fucker. I ate." Jabbing the half-bitten celery in Mark's face, he plopped back down on the couch. "Now, what were you going to say?"

His friend hung his head in mock-shame. The giggling gave it away, of course, but neither of them really cared. "Fine, I concede. We couldn't - and shouldn't - do an Among Us video." He snuck a glance up at Ethan, and they both burst out in laughter.

"Thank you! I told you it was a bad idea!"

"Why you little -" Mark jumped onto him for the second time that evening, knocking him back onto the couch again. Ethan raised his hands up to shield his face, but it turned out to be unnecessary - the older man simply fell onto his chest, forcing out a soft "oof!"

Resting his hands carefully on his friend's back, he tried to move away, only leading to Mark wrapping his arms tighter around him. "Wh - you're not going to kill me? Who are you and what have you done with Mark?"

He expected some sort of joke - maybe for his friend to playfully toss him off the couch - but not the way his arms wrapped around him even tighter. It was silent for a moment, and Ethan was about to say something until the older man spoke again. "You're so small," he murmured, "it's scary, sometimes."

And, oh god, they're approaching some weird emotional territory again for the second time that night - and he really didn't want to eat more celery, so he deflected. "Sorry? Trust me, I want to be taller, too."

"You know that's not what I mean." Mark said. He ran a finger down Ethan's spine, and usually it'd be weird enough to make the younger man get off the couch, but right then it just felt so normal that he relaxed into the touch.

His hand played with the fabric of Mark's shirt, and he tried to distract himself from the suddenly-heavy atmosphere with it. "I don't know what to say to that."

Mark sighed, and moved his head to rest on Ethan's chest, right over his heart. "I know, sorry. Just thinking."

Smiling, he just patted his friend's head, messing up his hair a bit. "Wow, you can think? I didn't know that."

"Was that a Harry Potter reference?"

"No, but now I wish it was." Mark just laughed against him, and Ethan decided he liked the feeling of it. "Thanks for the celery," he muttered a minute later, tangling his fingers in the older man's hair. "It's the best of the rabbit-food variety, I think."

"Good, I'm glad I made the right choice then. Figured you could get a little fancy with it one day - put some peanut butter and raisins on it - make that 'ants on a log' thing."

Mark's hands moved down his back, coming to rest on his waist. The warmth felt nice, and he pushed back against them. "You'll never guess the Unus Annus idea I just came up with -"

"Oh, shut the fuck up."

"Sure thing, papa bear."