Tranquil Falls

Low Expectations

I tried to ignore the fact that my dad waited until I had walked into the school before he pulled away from the curb. I tried to ignore that it felt like everyone was staring at me because they'd figured out my big secret. I tried to ignore the fogginess that was threatening to overtake me because my mom made sure I took my meds. I tried to ignore all of the happiness and carefreeness of my peers in the hallway as I walked into the office. I tried to ignore Collins's touch as I stepped into the waiting area. I tried to ignore his words of concern as we walked down the hall to his office.

I dropped my backpack on the floor and sat down on the chair across from his desk as he shut the door. I rested my head against my hand, closing my eyes. I felt like I had a hangover even though I'd only had one beer and a couple of hits off a joint.

"Your parents filled me in a little bit on the events that transpired last night after your session with Dr. Rouche," he said as he sat down at his desk. I reached forward and took the stress ball off his desk, tossing it back and forth in my hands. "Seems to me like shit really hit the fan last night."

"That's one way to put it," I said with a sigh. I stopped tossing the ball to read what was on it. He was waiting for me to elaborate. "It's not something I regularly do, don't worry. I've been with more girls than guys, so it's not a big deal."

"Why would it be a big deal?" he questioned. I glanced up at him. "You're a teenager. You're allowed to experiment and figure out what you want and don't want. I actually think it's a great thing for someone who has been through what you have, to be willing to put yourself out there like that."

I stared at him. I'd figured that he wanted to talk about all of it. Running from my parents. Drinking. Smoking weed. The argument with my parents, although they probably didn't tell him that my dad had called me a fag only to tell me that he didn't give a damn about what I did.

"Was this boy the only person you've ever been with?" Collins asked finally. "I mean, the only boy."

I rolled my eyes away and went back to the stress ball. I could tell him and then he would want to know how I came to meet Finley. If I told him about Taylor, then he'd figure it out and I couldn't deal with that at the moment. They always wanted more. I could give them what they wanted and then they would want something else. It was a never-ending cycle.

The bell rang and I reached for my bag. "I have to go to class."

"No, you have a pass for first period and possibly the rest of the day," Collins said as he held up a hand. "Your parents said that you felt like you'd been cornered the other day, so it's just going to be you and me for a little while." He stood up and came to sit in the chair next to me, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. "There are some things that we need to get to the bottom of, Gatlin, before you fall down that dark hole again."

I sat back in the chair and cast my eyes to the ceiling.

"You won't talk to any of us, Gatlin, and we don't know what to do about that," Collins said softly. "We're all extremely concerned about you. In just a few months, you'll be on your way to somewhere where you are no longer haunted by whatever won't leave you alone." I picked at the covering on the stress ball. "I understand that you may not want to speak to me, or anyone for that matter, but you cannot keep bottling all of this up. You're going to make yourself crazy."

Too late for that, I thought. My fingers kept digging at the stress ball. He was silent, watching me. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to steady my hands. They wanted some profound breakthrough, but how could I give them something I hadn't accepted myself? I didn't want to be known as that boy. It was bad enough being the boy whose friend's death fucked him up.