Tranquil Falls

Never Going Back

I stood near the water, looking down at it as the warm August wind brushed against me. I closed my eyes, listening to the sounds around me.

It'd been a long five months. Maybe longer and harder than the past two years together. There were a lot of ups and just as many downs. Getting to the point where I could think about him and not feel like I was going to fall apart had taken a lot of work. It had felt impossible to be able to forgive him for what he had done.

I had, though. I opened my eyes and watched as the waves rolled across the wide plane. The world was vast and what I had been through was only a small part of it. College started in two weeks and the possibilities of where I would go were endless.

It had taken a lot of persuasion with my parents to let me move so far away. I hadn't been home since I had gotten out of the facility. I couldn't go back. There were too many memories. Not all of them were bad, but the bad ones sometimes overshadowed the good ones.

While in the facility, I had made a promise to myself. I wasn't going to let anyone be in control of my life ever again. To do that, I had to get out. I couldn't let my parents coddle me. I couldn't let my supposed friends treat me as though I was going to break if they said the wrong thing. For once in my life, I needed to do something for myself and to stop putting others before me. I was still friends with Brody and Tae, but other than them, I didn't give two fucks.

So, I'd ended up applying to college as far from home as possible.

I closed my eyes, picturing him there next to me. There were so many things I could blame myself or him for, but the blame wouldn't bring him back or undo the awful things he had done to me. They were all a part of me and they always would be. I'd finally accepted that.

"You look like a model with that windswept hair," a voice said in my ear as arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me tightly against the body that belonged to the voice.

"I've decided to quit school and become one. How did you know?"

He chuckled, resting his head against mine. "I can read your mind. Didn't you know that I was secretly a superhero?"

"Oh, so that's where you run off to at night?"

"Mm-hmm. Always off saving someone in distress."

I rolled my eyes and twisted around to look at the blonde boy. He put his hands into his short pockets, smiling at me softly. I reached up and ran my fingers lightly across the freckles on his face.

"What did I do to deserve you?" I asked softly.

Cayde tilted his head slightly to the side. "You lurked in the bookstore I work at until I finally asked you to get a coffee with me."

"That wasn't what I asked."

"I know," he said, resting his hands on my hips and pulling me to him, "but that's the answer I'm giving you. Stop thinking so much. It's not good."

"I have a shrink. I don't need another one," I told him as I pulled away and picked up my backpack from the ground.

He slipped his hand in mine as we headed back towards the parking lot. "Doesn't hurt to be reminded sometimes."

"I know." I squeezed his hand to let him know that I did.

I had lurked in the bookstore for so many days because I hadn't been sure if I was ready for a relationship yet. The ones I'd just gotten out of hadn't been true relationships. Taylor had been using me and I had been using Finley. Sending an apology letter to Finely when I had been in the facility had been one of the hardest things I'd had to do. I'd sincerely believed that I had loved him, but what I had learned was that I hadn't been able to love him when I couldn't love myself. Letting him go was the kindest thing to do.

Cayde had convinced me that I was ready to move forward. Not after the first coffee date or the second or the third, but the night we spent at his apartment and he told me about his sister's own suicide. There'd been a photo on the TV stand and I'd jokingly asked him if it was his girlfriend. He wasn't sad when he told the story or ashamed. He wasn't angry that he hadn't done something to get her help. He'd accepted that she had been damaged and nothing they could have done would have made a difference until she was ready to accept the help.

And I'd told him about Taylor. Everything. It was the first time I'd told anyone the story from start to finish who wasn't my therapist. He had listened. He hadn't judged. Hadn't pitied me. All he said when I was finished was that he knew there was something about me that he saw within himself and now he knew what that was.

Strength.

I looked over at him as he dug in his pocket for the keys. I was thankful that Finley had found me and saved my life. Sometimes you had to get through the storm before you were blessed with a beautiful rainbow.

I'd made it through my storm and I was beginning to find my rainbow.

"What?" Cayde asked as he looked over and caught me staring at him.

I shrugged, not looking away as I once would have. "Just taking a moment to appreciate what I have."

He rolled his eyes and got into the car. "Stop being a dork and get in."

I laughed and climbed in beside him. "Let's get food on the way home so I don't have to eat your horrid cooking."

"Horrid cooking? My cooking is fucking amazing. It's your cooking that's horrid."

"Dream on."

He grinned at me as he pulled onto the highway, reaching over for my hand. I let him entwine our hands together.

In a week, we'd be starting classes and we'd be moving towards our future. But, for now, I was going to enjoy what I had. The future would wait, but the present wouldn't.

I closed my eyes, feeling his thumb rubbing softly over mine. I didn't know what normal meant or what it felt like, but I was thankful to not have a normal life. The scars that I bore were what made me who I was. The strong person that moved across the country wouldn't have existed if it hadn't been for all the shit that he had endured. Every once in a while, I had to remind myself of that; that I was who I was because of what I'd been through. That made it all hurt a little less.

Each day, I was taking a step forward and leaving the past behind. Each day I was one step closer to being the person I was always meant to be.

And I couldn't be happier.