Tranquil Falls

Checks and Balances

I led the way down the rocky, overgrown trail. I hadn't been on that walking path for almost a year. Taylor had brought me there to show where he always ran off to be alone at. Then, it had been cleared and I hadn't worried about spraining an ankle. Tae held onto my arm so she wouldn't slide down the bank. I wondered now if it had been Taylor who'd kept it cleared off.

We finally made it down to the flat bottom. Tae let go of my arm and walked ahead of me towards the creek. It was too cold now to wade in it. The cold and death around us didn't take away from the beauty of it, though.

"So," Tae said as she scanned the ground for a rock, "what I've gathered about you is a lot, but not enough."

"Why's that?" I asked as I took the carton of cigarettes I'd lifted from Brody's car out of my pocket and pulled one out.

She picked up a rock and turned towards the creek. "Well, you are a rebel." I arched an eyebrow and lit the cigarette, but didn't say anything. "You apparently sneak out at night. You get drunk. You skip school. You're also slightly crazy, but what rebels aren't?"

"Crazy?"

She nodded. "Yeah. After your display with Mr. Collins, that much is obvious," she said as she tried to skip the rock across the creek and failed miserably. I watched as it plopped into the water and disappeared.

I sat down on a log and took a drag of the cigarette, picking at the bark on the log. "You wouldn't believe how crazy I am if I ever did decide to tell you."

She turned and looked at me. "You're not, like, serial killer crazy, are you?"

I arched an eyebrow. "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." She rolled her eyes and turned away from me. "Seriously, though. You probably should keep your distance."

"Too bad for you you're my only friend."

I looked down, flicking ash off the cigarette and onto the ground. Friends. Something it seemed like I had a lot of, but it didn't feel like I had. They were still trying. I knew they were and I appreciated it, but they expected me to be who I always had been. Everyone did. It wasn't something that was going to happen, though.

Deciding to quit basketball had been one of the easiest decisions I'd ever made. I'd tried to go back after I got out of the hospital, but something had sucked all the passion for it out of me. I'd spent hours out in the driveway shooting, trying to get my groove back, but it wasn't happening. I was still just as good as I had always been physically, but mentally I wasn't with it.

Coach hadn't been in the office when I'd turned my gear in. It'd made it easy. I didn't have to listen to his speech then. When he tried to call me into his office, I just didn't show up. When he sought me out at lunch and study hall, I made up an excuse. Every day. My teammates didn't know. Brody still thought I was going to be co-captain with him when in reality it was going to be just him leading the team. They would find out soon and I dreaded when they did.

I took a drag of the cigarette and ran a hand through my hair. "You're better off not being friends with me."

"Why's that?" she asked as another rock plopped into the water.

I sighed, closing my eyes and resting my head against my fist. "I'm...It's just not a good idea.'

"Because you're crazy?"

I snorted. That was an understatement. To be honest, though, I didn't know what I was. Words were thrown around at therapy, but they didn't mean anything. Depression. Anxiety. Survivor's guilt. And others. I hated labels.

"I'm not crazy," I muttered before I took another drag of the cigarette and stared up at the sky, slowly letting the smoke out.

"Then what are you?' she asked as she sat down beside me and picked up a twig, tearing it apart.