Cleaning Up The Mess We Made (Love Victor Fanfiction)

Benji Therapy #1

I'm an alcoholic. I know I am. I've accepted it. I've come to terms with the fact that I can't ever drink alcohol. What I'm having trouble with is telling people. I've come to terms with my alcoholism, but I'm embarrassed by it. So far, only two people outside of my immediate family know. Both people found out about my drinking without my consent. Um, yeah. The first person, Victor, found out about it from my parents. They invited him to my birthday dinner as a surprise. My mother proceeded to give this big speech about how proud she is of me from going to AA. It didn't cross either of their minds that maybe I didn't tell Victor about AA. That secret drove a wedge between us. Victor told the second person about my drinking, Rahim. Yeah, that was the final straw that lead me to suggesting we take a break. I just needed some time to clear my head and get my thoughts straight. I've most past that, and I forgave Victor. 

I admit that I didn't handle things the best when we were in our relationship. I tried to pretend like Victor's inexperience didn't bother me. For the most part, it didn't. I knew about Victor's circumstances and I understood them. Then, everything blew up...It's just, everyone else I was with had been...I guess more confident. I was only with one other guy before Victor. Derek. He's been out since elementary. In our relationship, I was the inexperienced one. Except that also had bad outcomes. Derek constantly berated me for everything I liked. It was mainly the romantic stuff he didn't like. He said it was too "straight." That lead me to pushing away anything that could be perceived as straight. Whether it be romcoms, anniversaries, or... sports. 

I think I might have taken some of that out of Victor. He plays basketball, and I basically talked him into quitting the team. Then made fun of jocks in front of him. He got upset, but I apologized and we made up. I also don't think I knew how to be the more experienced one in the relationship. I guess I kind of expected Victor to take things at my speed, but he wasn't ready. I tried to be understanding. I was understanding...until the night my parents told Victor about my alcoholism. I got embarrassed and lashed out at him. I told him I had to put up with a lot of his shit. I'm realizing I kind of did to Victor what Derek did to me. Am I a bad person? 

Yeah, thank you. I am trying to be better. I'm trying to be a mentor to both Lake and Rahim. They both just came out at school, and I'm trying to be there for them. Yeah, I guess I do want to make a difference. Maybe help out other closeted kids at school. Wait, you think I should do what? You know, that's actually a good idea. I might do that. Thank you, Emily. Yes, I'll see you next week.