I'm Not Dead

[ C H. 2 8 ]

I dropped her. 

I fucking dropped her. 

I have the bloody scratches down my arm to prove it. 

I couldn't close my eyes, think, or breathe without hearing Olivia scream. 

Once we evaded Joe's overrun property, we drove down the backroads for the rest of the night. After I had stopped fighting the girls to let me jump out of the back of the truck, I pressed myself in a corner and stared out into the dark blanket of the night as my body shifted from the motion of the truck. 

A whole family died tonight because of me. 

All I had to do was keep my head down and stay out of trouble. If I had just focused on surviving instead of my own individual needs or vendettas, we would all still be in warm beds and not facing imminent death. We had no food, no water, no weapons, and nowhere to go. Not to mention, we had no idea what the current condition of things was. Joe had mentioned that soldiers were executing people. Most likely people who had been bitten and with the scars from our bite marks, we all had a giant red target on our backs. 

I fucked up, worse than I've ever fucked up. 

Eleanor should've let Joe kill me. 

I saw it there, in her eyes, for just a second. 

She wanted him too.  

By the time the sun started rising, most of the younger ones had drifted off to sleep and Eleanor looked like she was nodding off as well, but everyone was jerked awake when the engine started sputtering and the dump truck abruptly stopped with a jolt. Quickly, everyone sat up and began looking over the edges in a panic. I had also gotten up with the intention of peeking over the edge, but before I could, Lorenzo climbed out of the driver's seat and pulled himself into the bed of the truck with us. 

"What's wrong?" Eleanor asked, standing up on the pile of blankets. 

"We're out of gas. I'll have to find more." Lorenzo explained as he dropped down on the pile of blankets with a shaky exhale and fisted his eyes. "I need to sleep first, I'm too tired to drive right now." He sighed, draping his arm over his face. He was incredibly tense but didn't seem to be on the verge of a panic attack or anything yet. He had a couple of days without his meds now. I wondered how he was feeling, but not enough to think too worry about it yet.

Standing up the rest of the way, I looked out across the spot our truck had stopped. We were in a small town of sorts, definitely secluded from the city, but it appeared to be completely deserted. There was orange hazard tape everywhere, abandoned cars, and broken windows in most of the looted stores. About a mile down the road, I saw a Joker or two mulling about but they didn't seem to notice us. Not that it mattered, we were safe in the truck bed. 

Joining my side, Eleanor looked out across the scenery with me as she rested the gun over her shoulder. She had no more bullets left but she clung to it like it was a lifeline. "We can't stay here. It's getting cold and we have no idea what's out here." She turned towards all of us as we all looked at her. "Over that way, I see something that looks like an apartment complex. We should make a run for it." 

"Or we could just stay here until we're ready to get gas." Evie chimed in, not looking particularly fond of the idea of running for her life, yet again. 

"If there's gas," Lorenzo murmured, then lifting his arm to look between them. "If this town is as empty as it sounds, there was probably panic and people wiped out the gas stations." 

This just keeps getting worse and worse, I swear. 

"My thoughts exactly. We need somewhere we can hole up until I get ahold of dad and he tells us what to do." Eleanor decided as she gestured for all of us to get up. "I don't see any Jokers. If we hit the ground running, we can make it to that apartment building. It looks like it's only a few blocks away."