I'm Not Dead

[ C H . 2 0 ]

I shuddered as a cold feeling resonated deep within me, anchoring my feeble body to the ground.

Looking back at my mom, a second rush of tears swelled in my chest, making my throat close. I had always been told to never let yourself ache for things you can't have, but I couldn't help it. The thought of never hearing her voice again, never feeling her loving embrace, or seeing her in the flesh made the darkest depths of my damaged soul burn in anguish. None of my loss though hurt as bad as knowing I'd have to leave her here in a puddle of her blood, alone. She deserved to be buried, at the very least. I couldn't bring myself to put her down. It was almost as if I believed my grip could revive her, like death wasn't the end, but just an elaborate prank.

"No...no I can't...I won't..." I buried my face in the nape of her neck. Her smell was fading as the stench of death and blood took over. She was dead. She was really dead. I let another sob burst from my aching throat. "Leave without me, I'm not going!"

If I left, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I couldn't face my father without her. I couldn't emotionally handle the thought of going out there again. The burden of her loss was too much. Even under normal circumstances, it would have royally fucked me up, but this took distress to a whole new level. I didn't have the physical strength to push her away and get out of this room. My fight was gone, the soldier's bullet had killed us both.

"We're going Rocco, we don't have time to discuss this!" Eleanor insisted, her voice brittle with unexpressed emotion as she moved away from Mateo and knelt next to Evie. "Evie, we have to go," she coaxed, running a hand across her forehead. "It's...it's what mom would want us to do." She breathed, her voice finally breaking a little.

Evie had curled herself up into a ball on the floor, silently crying as she stared at my mother with a tormented expression. I couldn't imagine the dark turbulence of thoughts going through her head. As each one crossed her mind, the muscles in her face strained from its impact. Upon feeling Eleanor's hand on her head, she looked up with a whimper. "I know...but...I don't know if I can..." She whispered, her normally imposing voice meek like a small child.

"You have to Evie, we have to." El pleaded, grimacing when the doors groaned again beneath the soldiers' weight. "If the soldiers catch us, mom would've died in vain. We can't let her die in vain!" She snapped, then grabbing Evie's arm and yanking her to her feet.

Quickly, Evie tried to shove her away. "She died saving me! She should've left me behind!" She snapped back, trying to throw herself back on the ground but Eleanor had dug her heels into the ground and had no intention of letting her lay back down. "El, please, just stop it! I don't want to go out there!" She begged, trying to squirm free.

"To bad! Mom died to save you! You're the first one going down that shoot, I'm not letting her die in vain!" El yelled, gripping Evie's shoulders. "Show mom she didn't make a mistake going back for you! You aren't the only one who just lost her!" She scolded firmly. She then let out a shaky breath. "Please Evie, I've never asked you for anything in my entire life. If you can't do this for yourself, then do it for me."

For a long moment, Evie silently sniffled as she looked down at El coldly, then she shrugged her off. "I'm not leaving for you; I'm leaving for mom." She decided, turning towards the direction of the laundry shoot as the first set of hinges popped off the door. 

From the corner of my eye, I could see Evie's body tensing with each step. She didn't want to leave, but she knew the consequences if she didn't. Once she made it to the mouth of the laundry shoot, she flipped open the hatch before sucking in a deep breath. She paused for a moment, almost seeming to reconsider, but then she hoisted her body into the shoot and I could hear the sound of her sliding down.