Cigarettes & Songs | h.s

fifty-five

"So what are your options?" Gemma calls out for me as I tear the box open, a single pregnancy test slipping out and onto my lap and I dig my hand in for the instruction pamphlet.

"My options are get rid of it," I mutter out as I read the instruction manual, trying not to make eye contact with Gemma until the paper is ripped from my hands.

"Olivia? Serious talk now, there actually could be a possibility that you're pregnant." She sighs and I swallow the lump in my throat.

"Don't say that out loud!" I panic and her brows furrow.

"Why? None of the guys are home, no ones gonna hear us." She says and I shake my head.

"I mean, you say it out loud and it feels way too real. Please Gem," I beg her and she grabs ahold of my trembling hands.

"But you need to face the fact that it could be real. Olivia I'm trying to help you," she says, stroking my hands and I nod at her. "You're right, I'm sorry,"

"Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong. Now walk me through your options."

"Well, in the unfortunate case that I am pregnant, I'm definitely not putting them up for adoption, it would be too much for me emotionally to carry a child and send it to foster care, God only knows where they'll end up, the system here is trash. And I don't think Harry would want that either. So IF I am pregnant, the two choices are to either get rid of it or keep it. Which I'm not ecstatic about either." I spill and she nods.

"And what would you do in the off chance that you are?" Gemma asks me, making me gulp.

"I'd get rid of it,"

The silence was loud, and I knew that most would disagree with me on my decision, but I knew in my heart what I had to do on chances that I was carrying a child. "And it has nothing to do with me not wanting a baby with Harry or not loving him enough to because I do want that, one day. I love him so much and I do think of having a family with him. But not now.

"He's only twenty and I'm only nineteen, and I had so many plans for my future, for my schooling. Stuff I haven't even told Harry about and I know he does too. It would be irresponsible for me to bring a child into this world because I don't know if I could be able to support them. I'm sorry Gems, I just can't," I say, tears pooling in my eyes and she brings me in for a hug.

"I understand, and I am so proud of you. You and Harry have goals, and I respect that you want to achieve them before handling something this big. A baby is so much work. And what about your schooling?"

"I submitted an art piece and an essay I made to an Arts program in New York, and I've only recently gotten the confirmation that the spot was mine. I want to go there, and I want to study there. I wanna do so many things and hopefully, Harry would be by my side supporting me as I do them."

"I'm so happy for you, you've got your plans lined up and I'm sure my brother is going to support you all the way, but I think I know what you have to do now."

I nod my head at her words, grasping the blue stick and clutching it tightly, "I think you should go in there now, and whatever happens, we're all here for you. I'm here for you," Gemma says as I get up and make my way to the bathroom to determine my fate.

************

I was a wreck, waiting for Harry to get home. I was all alone now, Gemma leaving only minutes ago as she said it was getting late and that she had an important day tomorrow. Finally, after what felt like hours, I hear the door opening and laugher booming from the hall.