Evelyn Disgrace

Chapter Sixteen - Evelyn Tiras

For once, I do not feel like drinking ale or some sort of thing to numb my mind. Instead, I opt for tea.

The kettle boils in the kitchen, perfectly timed with my arrival. Everything is a mess, but I don't mind. I just want get food and then get out of here. Out of this dine and gamble and back to my own apartment. I want to continue to muse over the terrors of my life. To soak myself in depressive thoughts and make them boil into anger.

I want to go home. To the comfort of my family. To the safety of Vera. I wish I could go back and replay my childhood. I wish that I could live in that kind of bliss for the rest of eternity. I wish I could disappear into my glistening memories of times past.

But I have to move forward, even if I'm slowing behind in the race. Even if the world is spinning rapidly while I'm crawling to catch up.

I daresay I'll be crawling for a while.

A spoon clatters.

I whip my head around to see Nat stirring a drink, his tanned figure quite focused and determined.

"Good morning, Nat," I say. I haven't spoken to anyone in three days, so my voice croaks at first. After I clear it out, I continue, "Are you..." But I can't manage anything else. Anything else seems blatantly wrong.

Nat scrutinizes me. "I haven't seen you in days, Evelyn. Is it because of Aster?" He gulps down a chug of his drink.

I move to make myself tea. "It doesn't matter." But it very much does. Everything matters. All the pain and loss is catching up, but I feel as if I don't have time to feel it all.

Nat sips his drink. "So, is it because of Aster?"

"Why do you keep asking that?" I snap. "What does it matter if it concerns Aster or not?" Part of me wants to throw this kettle and its scalding water at the kid.

Nat pinches his lips together. "Alright, no need to start such a fuss." He returns to his drink, avoiding my eyes.

I sigh. "I'm sorry, Nat. I just want to be alone." The words are quite familiar by now.

"You've been alone too much. That's the exact problem." Nat sounds strangely mature and responsible. As if he knows what's going on. At least someone does. "You can't avoid people forever." He looks at me in earnest before I can manage a word. "Miss Tiras, I understand that loss is hard. I've been through a lot of terrors in my life." He starts to count on his fingers. "My parents died. I kidnapped a little girl. I'm a wanted man."

I snort.

"And now we're not even going after the Piper. Aster didn't want me on the mission. Aster didn't want me at all. He just had pity on a poor, orphaned boy who could pick locks. He acts like I don't know things, but I do. I know when I'm unwanted." The boy swallows, and I could swear that I see tears pricking his eyes. He shakes his head. "But that's not the point. The point is that a person cannot lie around all the time after such loss. They can't lose hope."

"But what is there to hope for?" I demand. "What is there to want? I've had my fair share of hope, and it's turned sour. Now I need to just move on." I dump water into a cup.

Nat bristles, but I recognize his attempt at patience. "Evelyn, just listen to me."

"I can't listen to you! I can't just go on with my life as if nothing's changed. You don't understand this. All you guys want me to do is get up and be strong." My voice wobbles. "But I'm not strong." I regret the part of him not understanding. That was foolish. Careless. Cruel.

But Nat graciously ignores that part. He comes closer to me. "Please, I don't mean for you to be angered. It's just..." He lets a long moment of silence float between us. "Join us for dinner. Tonight. Please." Then he exits, quite quickly. As if he's escaping.

I wish I could escape.

Settling the kettle back onto the cooktop, I don't want to think about what Nat says. I don't want to do what he says. I don't want to spend anymore minutes with this crew. I should go.

Yes. Go on the run again, Evelyn. Go ahead. You're such a durgated girl. A cursed girl. You always quit. You always run. You never deal with it. You're a pitiful creature. A wretched person. You're awful and sad and so very passive. Go ahead, run.

I need to go.

Exiting the kitchen, I try my best to ignore the wafting voices of my associates. I won't let them pull me back. No. I'm going off again. It'll all be fine. Alright. Everything's going to be alright. It always is.

Or else everything's going to turn into a massive devastation for everyone. Perhaps everything will just be awful.

The door to Callum's Dine and Gamble swings open and I thrust myself through. That's when I hear them.

"Evelyn?"

"Evelyn!"

"Evelyn, wait."

I ignore them all, sloshing through a puddle and onto the rainy streets. Thick drops of water splash onto my hair and face, sliding down my cheeks and off my chin. How fitting.

"Evelyn, stop." Aster.

I whirl around. "Don't bother even trying, Mr. Wilmick. You're not going to get me to stay. I'm leaving. I'm done. The job's over, and I don't need you. I don't need any of you." The words taste sour on my tongue, but I still spew them out.

Nat's face is covered in rainwater and despair. "Evelyn, you can't go alone. You can't be alone. You have to find help or something."

I scowl. "And you found your help with these people? Aster: the person who took you on just because of pity? You call these people your family?"

Aster flinches. "Evelyn—"

"Shut it!" I yell. "Shut it all, Aster Wilmick. I don't want to hear you right now. I don't want to hear your voice or your words or you ever again."

He turns quiet, seeming to accept defeat.

I turn to Nat. "I know you're trying to help. But none of this is helping. I need to go." Then I turn to go.

Then I'm swallowed by somethingmystical, magical, and dark. And I see him. Again. The Piper.