SHADOWS

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They say when our minds is flooded with emotions we tend to take drastic steps and make drastic decisions so we are told to avoid being emotional while making important decisions...... but then what if it's the right way? What if the drastic decisions were the right ones?  You just can never tell......

   I fell on my bed crying my head spinning in thoughts I couldn't think right, the emotions were clouding my thinking, the the flashes of images I had kept locked up in my mind were hurting me flashing right before my eyes, deep pain was all I felt my body was beginning to feel numb my heart was feeling constricted I was just struggling to breathe my lungs felt tight I knew it was happening my attacks I always had slight panic attacks whenever I was over thinking it was something I tried hard to avoid I tried hard to let the breathe that was stuck up in my throat to come out it was difficult I kept trying to stand up or even seat up so I don't get choke on it I just couldn't deep fear was setting in I couldn't scream I was there struggling to sit up but I couldn't I felt like my body had suddenly paralyzed not now!! That's what I screaming in my head I didn't want this now not now!!! I was choking I felt the pain in my throat like something was building up struggling to be let free I used my last strength to  pull my self up supporting myself with the headboard I tried breathing properly but it was painful, I needed to try harder I kept trying with tears streaming down my face it wasn't working it was getting harder and a lot more painful the pain was speeding Fear! Fear!  It was sinking through my head I tried to scream for my mum I just couldn't the situation was getting a bit harder than better I did manage to scream for my mum and she came flying into my room she saw my condition and quickly rushed to me giving me a back blow as she did I felt the lump in my throat cut I breathed I felt painfully relief but I couldn't see properly....... The little black dots seemed to cloud my vision I tried to keep my eyes open but it seemed like it was getting worse from the black dots my vision got blurry and all I saw was a blank space it made me feel like I was drowning slowly a very dark cloud was forming and just like that I gave into the darkness as I couldn't fight it.........

  I woke up to a room so bright I was confused for a moment but then realised it was my room I was laid back with the sheet neatly arranged and a glass of water and medicine set on my bed side table I rushed my way to the water before I could sip it I heard a voice
  ' Take it slow your body is a bit weak ' it was my moms voice sipping the water gently I then remembered what happened I guess I passed out after the relief my body was a bit weak at almost every turn I took I felt pain shoot up that particular area. Panic attacks and choking breathe was something I had for a while it was a health issue I had always struggled with as I was a little child I always wished I could avoid the thought that I was liable to such ailment it made me sick it made me feel numb...... I once saw someone die from it right before my eyes I sometimes felt I was going to end up that way to say I'm alive was a surprise I'd wanted to stop living a long time ago but I guess life had more pain for me to pass through......
   I couldn't look my mum in the eye as she came close I felt guilt and a layer of anger in my heart I still couldn't process what happened between the both of us I kept my head down as she approached me till I heard her sniffle I looked up she had tears in her eyes I couldn't help it as the tears dropped down my own eyes her eyes they held more pain and guilt I knew I had hurt her, made things harder and a lot worse for her but my future was at stake here I just couldn't....  She hugged me again we were both crying and holding each other ever close I felt raw emotions at that point her tears were streaming her face falling in all directions I pulled her close and cried more into her hair......... You know they always say the darkest times are just before the dawn....
 
   The next day I skipped school I still wasn't feeling safe or excited and fit enough to mingle amongst the crowd Blair already called a million times asking if everything was okay I told her it was but as usual she didn't even believe a thing I said within me I didn't want to speak all I wanted was to find a way out of the mess my Father had created the only thing was to get a job I could apply as a tutor at my school I did have good grades and could get perfect recommendations from teachers but it wouldn't pay like a normal commercial job though so when my Mum was preparing breakfast I spent my time surfing the internet for stores and vacancies close by and Lord! They were a lot more of waitress and store attendants openings I always wanted to serve as a waitress and meet new people so I applied from some posts one particularly was on my mind it was Izan Darrio it was a Mexican restaurant it was a familiar one I remember my Grandma always took I and my sister there I spoke Spanish a lot my Grandma she always made sure I learnt it I'm originally half Mexican and half American my mum came from Mexico and Dad was pure American I recounted the holidays I had always spent at Mexico it was fun I always had the opportunity to explore everywhere and anything was at my reach my Grandma made sure I was friends with the Latina girls around they practically thought me about my origin and culture the old times seemed fun in my head and I smiled but things changed now life happened and things happened the world I had with me that always seemed perfect had a lot more than I'd have ever thought it was something a dread but it's life and it's not fair and square .......
 

   And just as I said Blair came over after school she even brought take out and clothes for sleep over her presence was really all I wanted as soon as she came in my mum gave us out space I initially didn't know she was around till she came upstairs to my room sighting me looking across the room staring out my window she ran to hug me I hugged her back
  ' Hey CJ I missed you you know right '
  ' I know B hmm but things aren't just right now 'I said with a tiny still voice she patted my head
    ' Hey hey it's fine alright you don't have to talk about it alright '  she said as we broke off from the embrace and went to the bed she got me engaged in my assignments she had actually collected mine from school I was more than grateful she was the best I could wish for...  We spent the rest day chatting, had a spa treatment, watched movies even baked a bit she wanted me to engage so I could take my mind off things and I'd say it was working though then we did our late night talk
' So tell me what's up with you and that boy '
' Geez woman drop it though '
' You know I wouldn't B so just tell me'
'.Alright fine to be honest Andre is a nice guy actually a mix of Spanish and French '
  'What geez Blair those mix aren't nice ones don't get too close to him please '
   ' Calm your skipping heart would you Gosh'
   'Alright go on with your story Mamacita'
  'I don't know CJ I feel a thing for him he does for me too but a part of me is skeptical I'm always picky you know ' she said as we laid down in the bed with our hands interlinked together
  'It's fine B let's see how life brings you guys together '

   With that we will went to bed but I couldn't sleep I was tossing around in bed from right to left so I got out of bed quietly I didn't want to wake Blair I went downstairs and grabbed a bar of chocolate going back up I saw my Mum's door slightly open as usual curios me had to peek and once again I saw her seated on her table with her eyes stuck to the screen of her computer getting closer I used my hands to massage her arms gently and she leaned into my touch and then I whispered into her ears
   'Rstariá bien'  it would be fineaqaa
  ' Realmente espero eso ' I really hope so
   'Lo sentiré 'it will I feel it
   'Vete a dormir ahora, ¿quieres?' go to bed now would you. With that I kissed her hair and went back to bed and slept off like a baby.......