Guilty Pleasures

32

"Learn this and learn it well my daughter: like a compass needle pointing north; a man's accusing finger always finds a woman. Always."
— Khaled Hosseini —

Pallavi watched his retreating figure with a pain spreading through her body as Keerti directed her a knowing look, but her own was faltering as she gulped down the wave of emotions that seemed to grip tightly at her throat; forcing a restrained breath into her constricting lungs before look back towards Jaya.

"Aunty I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for Bacha."

"No Aunty I do."

"First let's get something to eat for you. You left the house with no breakfast this morning, right? So come on, Keerti will stay with Nikhil and Shradda."

"But Aunty-"

She was fixed with a motherly glare before pushing her hand into Pallavi's to take her to the small cafe perched at the side.

She ordered whilst Pallavi sat; trying and failing to get a stable grip on her spiralling thoughts.

"Aunty-"

"Eat first Bacha."

She did.

"Now tell me what you want to say without any filter."

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"I feel like I haven't told you the complete truth, and that's wrong. You've given me a roof over my head when I've had none Aunty; you've kept me warm, kept me fed. And I may never be able to repay that kindness in this lifetime but I won't lie to you to disrespect your care."

Pallavi sucked in a breath; fearing the consequences for the words she was about to speak. Because speaking to Keerti was different; she was younger, more liberal minded in comparisons to the women she knew around Jaya's age.

Jaya extended her hand, caressing Pallavi's gently.

"Whatever you want to say. Say it with your chest Pallavi or do not say it at all."

"You were right. About a change in Raghav; in a change that came out from our relationship."

Jaya studied her carefully as she played with the ends of her sari.

"I was sleeping with him." A gasp escaped her.

"Please don't think wrong of him Aunty; he never forced me into anything. He always made sure I gave my consent before anything. But the start of the dynamic caused a change in our relationship. I can't vouch for his side because we never sat to discuss if anything was going to come out from this; because I was too busy running in the opposite direction to prevent myself from getting hurt. But look the outcome was still that same; I got hurt."

She heaved a breath. "The relationship of enemies that we had is the reality of our relationship. There is now nothing left to salvage Aunty; but I won't deny the truth to some of his words because it would make my hypocritical; I would compromise the same morals I've prided myself on for so long and I don't want to do that. I will always side with the truth even when it concerns me. If you can even look at me, I hope you can forgive me. Sorry Aunty."

"And what are you apologising for Pallavi? For chasing a feeling? For expressing a desire that you yourself have no control over? You have nothing to apologise for, and neither does he for that. But what he should be apologising for is the scene he created; for the way he has forced your gaze to be cast down in front of our stagnated society, for taking your family away from you with the other nonsense he spoke. I hold no contempt for you my child; if you feel like you need to hear this from me as well to give your soul some peace than listen. I am not angry at you. What you chose do behind closed doors, with whom you chose to undertake that with is your business and your right, no one has a right to comment on that or the right to hold that over you for sentencing."