Come, Josephine

Chapter 30

1928

   Mamma lounged back on the sofa, her eyes dull and heavy-lidded from a long day of work. She had played the role of a seamstress all day, and returned at five to labour in the fields alongside myself and Jack. It was not until long after dark that we had returned.
   I did not attend school, even after Cal's demise and lack of real threat to our lives. I did not think it would matter if I did attend school; at any rate, I was well taught and schooled in arithmetic, literature, art and other topics. Why should I worry about attending school? I did not want for friends as I had Jack and mamma and school seemed tedious at best. I had enjoyed it once, but as I slowly aged out of it, I realised there was little need to attend an actual school room when I could teach myself with aid from my parents and Nick.
   Nick agreed, naturally, that school didn't really matter. Not when I could learn from the comfort of the kitchen table or hay loft. It also meant I could help Jack when he needed it and put in extra work in academics when time allowed for it.
   Mamma and Jack did not want to talk about the letters, nor the circumstances. She said that she might visit her mother when the summer work was over and she and Jack would have the money and time. She mentioned, in passing, that I would be sent to stay with Nick and his parents if I did not want to go with them.
   I did want to go, perhaps out of morbid curiosity. I could not be sure. Most importantly, I would want to be there for mamma. Even Jack was not certain he should go, as mamma's mother did not care for him in the slightest, or, as mamma so precisely put it, "she looks at him like a dangerous insect who must be squashed quickly." 
   We would not worry about it yet. I watched the fire, shutting it out of my mind. We were safe, and happy.
   Mamma sighed, "I swear it was not as bad last year."
   "We did not have a large crop sown last year- this year you and Jose helped me sow the crops, and now we, ah, reap the rewards of our labour," Jack's voice was lashed with irony.
   "Reward?" I said, "this feels an awful lot like punishment. Our hands are raw from holding the scythes!"
   "Josie!" Mamma laughed.
   "I agree this feels an awful lot like hard work," he said, "but soon, Rose will not have to work- that is, if she doesn't want to."
   The final comment he had hastened to add, and mamma looked at him with raised eyebrows.
   Mamma did enjoy work, but she was equally as tired as she was pleased with keeping busy. Even now, she seemed exhausted from weeks of hard work.
   We sat by the fire for a little while longer, and Jack soon disappeared off to bed. Then, it was just mamma and I.
   I watched her carefully. It had been a long time since we had lived alone, and long enough time since we had suffered a great ordeal. Peace had settled over us, yet I still wondered if we suffers any long-lasting ill effects. I wondered if things would ever be the same if mamma had never revealed the truth about her past. I wondered what her life would be like if she had never come across Jack; perhaps through boarding another, more sea-worthy ship.
   "Mamma?" I said, bold through exhaustion, "do you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you had never met Jack?"
   She roused from her half-doze, "I suppose I would have married Cal."
   She remained silent for a moment, "I would have been a glorified broodmare, bound to his arm at cotillions and social gatherings. I would live in a lavish house, yet lead very lonely life."
   I nodded, and we fell into silence once more. Guilt washed over me so violently that I went up to bed, hastily changing and slipping into bed. I doubted mamma would hold it against me for she was not that sort of person, but who was I to question her?
   As I dozed off, I relented. I thought about a large house, a cruel man, and my mother, stowed away in some lavish and ornate room.