Come, Josephine

Chapter 38

  1928

   A week passed with no news from Nick. With every hour of silence, I felt the lump grow bigger in my throat. The weight on my chest would not subside, and I felt near-nauseous. What would I do?
I focused on mamma and Jack. We went about as if nothing was wrong, and I maintained my ignorance on mamma's condition. Why should I add to her burden? It was the kindness thing to remain silent. Every day, I wished that I could offer some comfort, but how could I? She had Jack, and that made my decision easier to stick by.
Ruth hadn't been so harsh since I had spoken to her. She didn't snap at mamma the way she had, and she no longer tried to make her life insufferable. She still despised Jack, but at the very least, she tolerated him.
Eventually, Nick's letter arrived. I slipped out of the house and went across the road and into the field. There, tucked under a tree, I opened the letter.

Dear Josie,
   I am not angry with you. How could I be when I miss you so much? It'll all be okay in the end, I expect, and then you can come home. It doesn't matter how long this takes, because I'll always wait for you.
   Please, don't worry, Josie. Everything is okay here, as am I. Jack's farm is in perfect working order and I have continued to do the odd repair or job when I can.
  Anyway, I must ask about the present- what is it? And is your grandmother actually the way you describe her? How is your mother? And Jack?
  You're probably going to read this and wonder why I haven't asked about you- but I think you should know that I'm afraid to ask. If I hear that your less that happy, I'm afraid I'll have to come up and get you- I know it's silly, Josie, and you'll tell me so, but you spend all of your time worrying about others and never yourself.
   If there is something wrong, please tell me. You know I'll take the first train up (how could I not?) if you're unhappy, but I don't think you're grandmother really wants another farmer in her house, let alone talking to her granddaughter who could marry someone far above a farmer.
I miss you, and I can't wait until you're home. Every day you're gone, the more tempting it is come and get you.
Forever yours, Nickolas

I smiled down at the page, and saw the splash of rain on the page before I felt it- no, not rain, but a lone tear. I missed Nick so terribly- but he was right. If I told him how much I missed him, he would have no choice but to come. Part of me wished that he would.
I longed for his dark hair and lopsided smile. I missed his laugh, and the gangly way he walked when he was tired. He was good, hardworking, and honest. Nick was the one person I could depend on.
I swiped away my tears and began writing my own letter to Nick.

Dear Nick,
I'll spare you the details on how I feel these days in order to spare you the journey up here. There is nothing I can do, or that you can do, and I can't even go home as I need to be here for mamma and Jack. All you need to know is how much I miss you- it is no lie that I am happiest when you are near.
Thank you for being so patient and good about the farm. And thank you for not being angry when you have every right to be.
   Please write- I know it's an expense, but this is more valuable than any of my possessions. Sell my bedstead if you want, or my saddle, to afford the postage.
   Please, don't come up here. I will come home soon- I swear it. Nicholas, I am okay, I am fed, I am safe. And I will be home before long- or at least I pray so every night.
   Love, JD

   I rose to my feet and tried not to let the misery show on my face. I flattened my skirt and went back to the house, walking slowly enough to let my face return to normal.
   I slipped back in, unnoticed, and slipped my letter into the outgoing compartment. The maid would eventually take the post out, whether it was the same day or the next.
After everything was done, a walk seemed enticing; after sitting for so long, my legs were stiff and damp from the grass. I went off at a brisk pace, following the road around to the next village.
The road was well shaded by willow and ash trees which spread down both sides of the road. It offered a brief relief from the sunlight, but let the warmth creep through. I smiled in satisfaction.
I became lost in my thoughts within moments, and my mind drifted over to Nick once more. I thought back to better days, and refused to think about anything but positive memories. Eventually, however, my mind rolled over to what was really brewing at the back of my mind.
What if something happened while I was gone? I knew Nick was honest and good, but what if he fell in love with another girl? I had been so neglectful. He was kind and good, and I trusted him, but my mind spun uncomfortably. It didn't matter if Nick had been nothing but honest; my mind was running out of control. I knew it was silly- ridiculous, even- but what about all the things that could go wrong while I was away?
What if Nick got sick? Or was hurt on the farm while covering my chores? What if I something bad happened which would have been in my control, but no longer was because I was so far away?
My mind, as it always did, flicked over to mamma. I wondered when I would have a sibling, or if mamma and Jack had chosen a name. What if they had? What if it was a garish name like Gretchen? Or something which doesn't suit a baby like Bruce?
And what if there was something wrong with the baby? Mothers died every day in childbirth- what if mamma was no different? What if something happened-
I forced my mind to still for a moment and focus on the trees. How lovely and calm they were, how strong. They swayed in try gentlest of breezes, and sunlight danced across its leaves. I wondered if the branches would be strong enough for me to climb...
Suddenly, I walked into a wall. Not a wall, I realised, but the shoulder of a horse. I startled as it's large, amber form rose up, and nearly fell over with the unseated weight of its rider. It seemed to hang in mid-air, it's limbs suspended in fear. Mouth gaping, eyes widened, the beast swayed on the spot. A shout rose in the air with a jolt as the horse tumbled back onto the rider.
What had I done?