Come, Josephine

Chapter 45

    I sat with Nick until it was late enough to go to bed. I pretended to be tired, consumed in my grief, and gave him no indication that anything was amiss. If I was to do the right thing, I would have to do it at first light, when things had calmed down.
   I think I partly hoped that Jack would talk to mamma, and she would stop him. But with her being so consumed with her health and Ruth, it seemed doubtful. She was exhausted, and I found myself avoiding her unintentionally. It pained me to see how tired she was, how sickly. Had I caused the lines of worry around her face?
   Jack did not come back downstairs. He remained upstairs with mamma, no doubt seething. It wasn't like him to be so unmoving, so rigid. Jack had changed, I realised, with his sense of duty. He had gone from being carefree, jovial, and bright to whatever this was. He wasn't necessarily mean, but I saw that he was blinded by his duty to mamma, and their unborn child. It seemed that he was consumed by it that he had forgotten of the importance I had once had. For the first time, he had a chance to raise a child with mamma; a chance that he had never had with me.
   The thought started a migraine in my temples. After only a year of having a father, it was gone again. I always thought that he wanted me to take my time with Nick, so that I might be around for longer, but now it seemed to be something else. I need to keep me stationary, static, unchanging. So that he could focus on mamma without botheration.
   I doubted I could do anything to change his mind. I had his the truth from Nick, and had instead come down the stairs with a faux smile on my face, "do you want the good news or the bad news?" I had said.
   When he asked for the good news, I told him that Ruth had agreed to let him sleep in the house. I had laughed when he had grinned, and told him that there was bad news too. When worry had crossed his face, I forced a frown, "it's that room- well, it's more of a cupboard actually- off of the kitchen. Come to think of it, don't put your arm around my shoulders, and move off- look, if she seems me cuddling up with the 'help' she'll do to you what she wanted to do to Jack."
   It pained me to say his name, but it was nice to keep the frivolity light. I felt a little remorseful over the false reality I had created for Nick, but if it meant sparing his feelings for only a day, it was worth it.
   I retired to bed early, in the hopes of sleeping off my worry. However, sleep did not come, as much as I prayed for it. In the early hours, when I found myself tearful, I went downstairs to the kitchen.
   I paced the galley for a while, trying to still my mind with the movement. I poured out a glass of water, only to pour it down the sink. I tiptoed about, trying to busy myself. Would eating help? I doubted it.
   "Josie? Is that you?"
   I had forgotten that Nick was sleeping in the room off of the kitchen. With the realisation that washed over me, I let out a sob. How would I tell him?
   Recognising the noise, he exited his bedroom, "what's wrong, Josie? Are you worried about your ma?"
   I nodded, absorbed in the lie, "everything's changing- and I'm overtired- that's all."
   I dodged his open arms, murmuring something about how Ruth might see us, and went back up to bed. He must have known that it was a lie as Ruth had not left her room in weeks.
   I went back up to bed, cursing myself for having worried Nick. I was making a mess of everything. I had upset Jack, told Ruth things that I probably shouldn't have, worried mamma when she already had enough to deal with, and now I had left Nick with that concerned look on his face.
   They would all be better off without me, I realised.
    That night, I only slept a few hours. When it was finally a respectable time to rise, I got out of bed, hurriedly dressed, and went downstairs. Of course, the whole house was still asleep.
   It was early, but I knew one person who would be awake. A little way down the lane, there was no doubt in my mind that Peter would already be up, tending to the horses.
   I went down to the stables, happy to be out in the fresh air. There was nothing worse for a burdened mind, I realised, than to stay cooped up in the house. Within a few moments, I was already feeling better.
   "Hey, Josephine," sure enough, Peter was already awake, leading an already-tacked up horse to his mounting block, "how you doing?"
"I'm good," I lied, "have you recovered from that fall yet?"
"Good as new," he smiled, "have you come for another ride?"
"No, I actually just wanted to check on you, I still feel bad," I admitted, "I would have come sooner, but I was busy."
"Are you sure you're alright? You look tired," he squinted against the sun, studying me.
"Oh, I'm fine- Like I said, I was worried. Didn't sleep a wink last night because I thought I might have been the death of you," I joked, "besides, we have a visitor."
"Oh?"
"Nick, my- well, Nick came down from Wisconsin a few days ago, and he's been staying with us."
"Is there where you're from? You seem like more of California girl-"
Peter's voice trailed off as he looked over my shoulder. Before I could turn around he said, "do you know that guy walking towards us?"
"I imagine it's Nick," I said, but as I followed his gaze, I saw that it was someone else.
"He's a little old to be your boyfriend, don't ya think?"
"No, that's my father," the dread choked me, "shit."
"He looks pissed," his voice wobbled.
Jack's face was livid, "Josephine, do you really think this is appropriate? We wake up, and find you gone, only to have you galavanting around with some boy we've never even met?"
"Jack, this is Peter White. Peter, this is my father, Jack." I turned back to Jack, "The other day I caused him to fall off his horse while I was out walking, and I came here to apologise."
"So that's where you were all afternoon that day you came home late- Josie, look at me!"
"Jack, it's really not as it seems-"
"What? That you've been hanging around with two boys without our permission? Josie, your ma and I have always been kind to you, but this is crossing a line. I might have reconsidered sending Nick away, but now I'm certain that this was the right decision-"
"Jack, please, you don't understand-"
"No, you listen, Josephine," his voice was raised, angry, "you will get back inside that house right now, and Nick is to leave first thing tomorrow morning on the next train out of here. Is that understood?"
And as the tears burned behind my eyes, I knew that I had really, really ruined everything.