Come, Josephine

Chapter 56

1928
Josephine
I remember it all now; squeezing past mamma and Jack, who were blocking the doorway, and walking, or perhaps running, down the hallway. I remember the feeling of exhaustion which weighed heavily on my lungs, and the numb feeling that spanned over every joint and muscle in my body. I remember the sensation of not being able to focus my eyes, or control my movements exactly. The feeling of not being able to speak, or cry, or shout.
As I rounded the corner to Ruth's room, I suddenly felt my body seize up. My hand, already poised as if to turn the doorknob, refused to complete the action. It was then that the numbness took over and the lack of air in the house became too much. I went back down the hall, past Nick, and went outside.
I tried to ignore the horrible expressions that had been on everyone's faces, but the images were frozen in place at the back of my mind. It felt the same way that nightmares do; the frenzy to wake up, and the subsequent refusal to acknowledge what you had dreamt about. The forced distractions that can't force out the horrible feelings of dread.
Outside, the air was sultry. It weighed down on me, drawing moisture from my skin. I sat down heavily on the front steps, desperate to escape the cloying heat of the house, yet dissatisfied with the humidity of the night.
   I sat in the silence, trying to subdue my mind. It tripped and tumbled and turned over itself, refusing to relent. I remained in my silent struggle until I heard footsteps coming down behind me.
   The person placed a hand on my shoulder, "you alright, kid?"
   I turned to see Jack's warm face, marked with concern. He looked at me, his eyes soft and kind. I shook my head, "I just needed some air."
   "It's alright," he said, his voice level, "come on inside."
   "I just need a minute."
    He smiled sympathetically, as if he understood what I was feeling, even when I didn't, "come on, your ma's okay."
   "Is she? I thought..."
   "Not yet," he said, "but... soon. We need to be there for your ma."
    I nodded again, and we went up the front steps and into the house. Inside, Nick was waiting for me.
   He gave me a look of concern, "I'll be just out here, if you need me."
    I nodded. "Jack?" I said, "I'm not ready. Will you go up ahead?"
   He squeezed my shoulder, pressing his lips together. He silently went up the stairs, and I sat down on the floor in front of Nick. I pulled my knees to my chest, my head pressed against his leg, "I just need a minute."
   "Okay."
   "I'm still upset with you."
   "I know."
   I turned to look at him, "but I don't want to argue."
   "Not right now?" He placed a hand on my head.
   "No, not ever."
   We sat in silence for a long while before Nick nudged me, "you should go upstairs."
   I nodded, getting to my feet. I went upstairs, a little nervously, and halted at Ruth's bedroom door. Across the hall, in Mamma and Jack's room, I could hear voices. Hushed, and a little tense, I could sense the unease between them.
   "You okay?" She asked, and I could picture the inquiring tilt in her head.
   His voice was flat, "I should be the one asking you that."
   "Because my mother is dying, you think that I can't see it in your face that something's wrong?"
   I could imagine that he must have lowered his eyes, and she continued, "Jack, what is it?"
   "It's just, times like these, I get to thinking about Fabri," he stumbled over his words, "I know it's silly, but seeing everyone come together at a time like this... Rose, his ma didn't even know what had happened to him, in the end. To think that she probably thought he didn't want to come home, just took off for good. I mean-" his voice failed him.
   "I get it," she said, slowly, "he was your family, wasn't he?"
   "Yeah, I guess. My folks- I got to say goodbye to them, properly. It was sudden- one minute we were eating dinner, and my father went out to check on the livestock- next thing, there was a shout and ma ran out after him. The barn was up in flames, and she just about got in the door before the whole thing was ablaze. Anyway, after it was all said and done, I saw the neighbours pull them from the barn. I got to say goodbye, and I knew what had happened, how it had ended. It's important, y'know?"
   "I know. And it wasn't your fault- what happened to your folks, to Fabri. You couldn't have done anything."
   "But what if I had done that night's check, or kept an eye on Fabri? He was as sharp as a knife, that guy, but he might have stood a better chance-"
   "Don't do this to yourself. It wouldn't have changed anything, and you wouldn't be here now, would you?"
   "No, but I should have done more- I tried to write to his ma, track her down, but by the time I found her address, her sister wrote to me... she was gone. I should have done something- written sooner, or done more for Fabri-"
   "Stop," mamma said, "stop spiralling. Come here," she must have pulled him to her. There was silence for a moment.
   "I should go and get Josie, to show her that I'm alright." She said. I slid back for the door, out of sight in case she opened the door.
   "No, I will. You go back to Ruth..." he paused, "are you sure this isn't too much for you? Maybe you should rest, just for a while..."
   "I'm okay, really, I am."
   "Rose..."
     "I loved my mother," she said, "and I still do. But, Jack, she hurt me. She handed me over to a man who was twice my age so that she could sleep soundly at night knowing she had all of her lovely, expensive things around her. I was even younger than Josephine. To imagine that I could do that to Josephine, or this little one..."
   "I still think you should lie down for an hour..."
   "I'm a little bit, I promise."
   "Okay, but if you start to feel unwell-"
   "I know," I heard the latch on the door go, and I saw mamma's pale face, and the way she held her hands in front of her stomach. She met my eyes, a little nervously.
   "I thought you would be with Nick," she said.
   "I figured I should come upstairs," I took a deep breath, my chest throbbing, "what's happening?" 
   "My mother took a turn," her voice cracked, "she hasn't got long, Josie."
   I nodded, unable to speak. If I did, I knew that I would not be able to hold back my tears.