I Promise - BTS

Part 14.5

Warning
Mensions of violence, and sexual themes.
Mention of attempted suicide.
Skip to the first set of ●●● to skip the scene.

Please call your family, a friend or a crisis hotline if you have thoughts of suicide. Your life always matters 💜

---------------------------------------------------------

September 24th 2018. Toronto, Canada.

I walked through the streets of Toronto. Past homeless people, hot dog stands, and the crazy people yelling for Jesus. Toronto was a diverse city, with many different districts, and a good place to hide. A needle in a haystack. I had the name Lily here, and I resided within Korea town, above a store that sold Korean music albums.

The owners were friends of friends of friends of Gale's sister. They knew my situation, and of course that meant I would see their pitiful attempts at making me 'cheer up'. I went up to my apartment, and looked at myself in the mirror. Purple hair, fake eyebrow piercing, coloured contacts and I had cut my hair into a bob. I didn't recognize myself at all anymore. I dressed like a teenage emo kid from the early 2000s.

I don't even know what makes me happy, sad, or pissed off anymore. I was short tempered with everyone now, because I couldn't get attached. I was lost everything about myself. My own nephew didn't even recognize me. My sister is always sad when she talks to me, a constant reminder I can never go home and see her. My parents keep hounding me to come back, that they'll fight for me, but he'll kill them. I keep telling them it'll be better to forget me completely. They never let it happen though.

"Who are you?" I touch my reflection in the mirror, "someone no one needs in their life."

I make a decision. I go back to the living room and undo my belt. Michael and my sister are better off. I grab a chair. Mom and Dad are better off. I flopped it over the exposed pipe and fastened it back up. I'm better off. I climbed off the chair and turned on the television on. I turned up the volume. UN assembly, boring and perfect.

Some guy was about to speak, he was followed by 6 others. All of them pretty good looking, "At least im going out looking at something beautiful."

I went back to the chair, "My name is Kim Namjoon..."

Asian. I've been around them for the last week, and haven't found them the least bit attractive until now. He was mesmerizing to watch. I absent mindedly sat down on the chair.

"No one called out my name, and neither did I. My heart stopped and my eyes closed shut. So, like this, I, we, all lost our names. We became like ghosts." I looked up at my makeshift noose. I stood up again, and stepped up onto the chair. Even this Namjoon guy feels like a ghost. Then there really is nothing for me.

I put the belt around my neck, and looked to the television one more time, "I would like to ask all of you. What is your name? What excites you and makes your heart beat? Tell me your story. I want to hear your voice, and I want to hear your conviction. No matter who you are, where you're from, your skin colour, gender identity: speak yourself. Find your name, find your voice by speaking yourself."

I was tearing up throughout the whole thing, and then I was balling by the end of it. I released my neck from the belt and I practically fall off the chair, onto the floor. I stay like that for what feels like hours, listening to the television as the speech is played on repeat the entire time.

●●●
(A/N For those that skipped, Namjoon's UN assembly speech was playing during her attempt, his words stopped her from taking her life.)

"You weren't exaggerating then. I literally saved your life, and I- I didn't even know it." His face said surprised, his voice cracking said sadness.