the cut that always bleeds

refusal

June 20
Alberto watched his bedroom window as rain slammed against the glass. He could've sworn he felt the house shaking from the pressure alone, and the rainfall made the temperature in Portorosso incredibly chilly. With one glance at the ocean, he could see the water restless. It moved frantically, and waves crashed against the shore. He had never been so glad to be on land.
'Luca's fine, he stays far below the surface with his family.'
Alberto nodded to himself, making himself comfortable on his bed, opening up one of the various astrology books he owned. He skimmed the pages, in hopes of finding information on Cygnus the Swan. His fingers ran across various pages, the smell of the book overwhelming his senses. For a moment, he smiled.
'It smells like Luca.'
Alberto's smile dropped almost immediately, and he shook his head. His eyes went back to the book in hopes of finding what he was searching for.
He arrived at a page where the constellation was drawn out, and the story lay beneath the picture. He took a moment and used his finger to run across every line between the stars.
He saw the swan.
He grinned to himself, and looked down at his skin to see if he could find anything similar.
With a sudden knock on his door, Alberto practically jumped into the air.
"Just a moment!"
He shut his book, and rushed over to the door.
"Did you need something Papa?"
Massimo gestured to the stairs.
"Luca's downstairs, he came in drenched from the rain."
Alberto paused for a moment.
"What's he doing here?"
"Don't know, Giulia is with him now."
Alberto nodded, before shutting the door, he rushed over to his closet, where he grabbed a sweater and a pair of pants for Luca to change into. He then proceeded to rush over to the stairs, where he was stopped dead in his tracks.
"Luca, I think there's a very clear answer to all of this."
Alberto stood at the top of the stairs, listening intently.
"No, Giulia, you're making this much more than it needs to be."
"I know you, and this isn't like you."
Luca sighed.
"What do you think it is then?"
There was a moment of silence, before Giulia inhaled and continued.

"I think you like him, Luca."

Alberto felt his heart pounding in his ears, in his head, in his chest. The silence that followed her sentence filled Alberto with an intense sickening feeling that swallowed him.

"I don't."
Alberto's heart picked up the pace.
"You KISSED him, and you haven't been able to look at him the same since. I see the way that you look at him, Luca. I'm not stupid. You clearly have feelings for him."
"A kiss doesn't have to mean anything."
Giulia made a ticking noise with her mouth.
"Right, a kiss that made you unable to look at him without wanting to throw yourself on him again. Nobody feels tempted to kiss their best friend."
Luca let out a frustrated groan.
"I'm trying to figure it out, okay? I was curious, but I didn't think it would lead to...this."
"Define this."

Silence caused Alberto to fight back a burning sensation in his throat.

"Confusion."
"There you have it. See? You're admitting it."
"I'm admitting nothing. The body plays tricks on the mind, you know. I'll get over it."
Giulia sighed.
"I don't think HE wants you to get over it."

Alberto could picture Luca's face, his eyes tracing the floor, the light vanishing. He swallowed the burning feeling, and began to make his way down the stairs.
"Luca! What're you doing here in this storm? Papa came in and told me you showed up drenched."
Luca caught sight of Alberto, and a smile immediately grew on his face.
"Didn't want to stay in the water with the skies like this. I wanted to come inside."
Alberto approached him, clothes in hand.
"Here, come on, we gotta get you out of these clothes."
Luca nodded, and began to go upstairs.
Alberto glanced at Giulia, who gave Alberto a small smile. He returned the favor, and she instantly knew that he had overheard the entire conversation.
Alberto followed close behind, and they arrived in his room, shutting the door behind them.
"Can I stay here tonight?"
Alberto turned towards Luca, who had already begun changing. Alberto spun around as quickly as he could, heat overflowing in his face.
"Yeah, sure thing."
"Sorry for the late notice."
Alberto faced his bed, where he tugged his shirt off, and began searching for something warmer to wear.
"Luca, you know you can show up here anytime. Don't apologize to me, silly."
Luca chuckled.
"Yeah, I know."
Just then, Alberto felt cold hands make an appearance on his lower back, making their way around his torso.
He swallowed hard, trying to hide his speeding heart rate.
"You know, I was trying to find more information on Cygnus. That constellation you were talking about."
Luca's arms had made their way fully around his torso.
"Really? You liked the tale that much?"
Alberto could feel the blush in his cheeks, but nevertheless, he turned around, seeing Luca already looking up at him. He had yet to pull the sweater on.
"Yeah, you could say that."
Luca took one hand, trailing up to Alberto's jaw.
"Astronomy grew on you fast."
Alberto kept his lips sealed tight.
"Mhm."
He couldn't help but melt as Luca stood up on his toes, and placed a soft kiss against his lips.
Couldn't help but use his arms to cradle Luca's lower back, and offer him stability as his hands found their way into Alberto's hair.
Almost as quickly as it had started, it stopped, Luca pushed himself off of Alberto.
"Sorry."
Alberto stood in disbelief, his arms still holding Luca's frame close to him.
"For what?"
Luca shook his head, using one of his hands to push his hair back.
"I can't keep doing this. Please don't let me keep doing this."
Alberto attempted to smile.
"Hey, hey, it's okay. This isn't something you should be ashamed of, okay? I want to help."
Luca grimaced.
"I don't need help, Alberto."
Alberto was careful, and treaded carefully.
"Okay, is there anything I can do for you?"
Luca shook his head vigorously.
"Just, don't let me kiss you anymore. Make it stop."

Alberto felt his stomach drop.

"If you don't want to, why do you keep doing it? I'll listen to you. I won't let you, but why."
Alberto watched as Luca's bottom lip began to tremble, and his nose scrunched up, the way it normally did when he was going to cry.
"I do want to."
Alberto attempted to hide the joy he felt, and continued.

"Then why stop it? This could...work, Luca. We can make this work. I want to make this work."
Luca shoved Alberto off of him, backing up quickly.
"No, we need to stop."
Alberto felt a new heat rising, not the usual fluffy, happy kind. This was dark, and dangerous.
"Why?"
"I just can't do this. You're making this hard."
Alberto's anger quickly faded to sadness, and he tried to approach Luca slowly.
"I'm sorry. Sorry. It just sounds like...you like me."
Luca shook his head.

"NO. Stop. I don't like you."

Alberto's stomach continued to fall.
"Maybe if we-"
Luca dropped his arms.

"STOP IT, ALBERTO. I said stop."

Alberto stopped dead in his tracks, and he looked at Luca as his shoulders fell.
The rain seemed louder than ever. It pounded against the glass, and the sound filled the space between them.
Luca looked up, and saw the absolute terror in Alberto's eyes. He stood completely stunned.
"I'm so sorry. Alberto, I didn't mean to yell. It's just..."
Alberto nodded.
"It's a lot. I understand."
Luca watched as Alberto stood defeated, and the tears he had been holding back finally made their appearance. Scales appeared under the tear streaks on Luca's face.
Alberto caught on quickly.
"Oh, oh no. Luca, oh don't cry."
He rushed over, placing his hands on Luca's face.
"It's okay, really, I shouldn't have said all of that. I shouldn't have rushed you."

Luca completely melted, and fell into Alberto's arms, his forehead resting against Alberto's shoulder. He finally allowed himself to cry, and his body shook with every desperate gasp for air he let out.

Alberto stood firm, and his arms found their way around Luca, holding him close and took in every shake and gasp. After a few moments, he began to use his hand to play with Luca's hair on the back of his head.
Never before had Luca felt so understood, he didn't have to say anything, and yet Alberto knew what to do. He felt secure, and he felt loved. He attempted to hush his beating heart, but found himself incapable of stopping what was inevitable.

"Am I holding you back, too?"

Luca mumbled, his head nuzzled into the crook of Alberto's neck. He felt Alberto's shoulders rise and fall with an inhale, and he felt the vibrations as he spoke.

"No, Luca. You're pushing me forward."