MOVING IN STEREO

Wish You Were Here

"I can be tough; I can be strong.

But with you, it's not like that at all.

There's a girl that gives a shit.

Behind this wall, you just walk through it.

And I remember all those crazy things you said

You left them running through my head.

You're always there; you're everywhere.

But right now, I wish you were here."

Wish You Were Here

Avril Lavigne

Nick made love with me on the beach last weekend. I've never even been to the beach until then. I've seen plenty of sand. I was born in Albuquerque. The ocean was new to me, though I loved it. Nick, Jim, and my parents had all come to see me perform on my first night in Charlotte. They went home, and Nick stayed and took me to Charleston for New Year's. It's hard to keep saying that every new experience with Nick is the best time of my life, but it's true. Every time we do something together, it makes me happy. Last weekend was no exception.

Our hotel room was beautiful. It overlooked the beach, and you could see everything going on from the balcony. After dinner, we took our blankets and a bottle of champagne down to the ocean to sit and watch the stars. It was late, and there weren't too many people around. The tide was coming in, Nick said. Anyway, we walked for a long time, talking about the future. Finally, Nick spread one of the blankets down between the dunes, and we covered our shoulders with the other one. I would never have imagined the beach would get chilly at night, but I guess it was December.

Finally, he opened the champagne bottle, and it burst and made a giant mess. I laughed at him drinking from the bottle to keep from wasting it. Then we both realized we had forgotten to bring glasses! I grabbed it from him and tried to take a drink myself, but as soon as I tipped up the bottle, it went everywhere and poured all over me. Nick grabbed me around the waist and began kissing my neck, licking away the champagne, and he just kept going. 

 Sometimes with us, that's what it's like. I have to say, most of the time, I love him with everything, all of my heart and soul, but sometimes, like that night on the beach, I just want our bodies close. This is going to sound so girly of me, but when he does little things like laugh with me or help me work out or change the oil in my car for no reason, just little things he does just because he loves me, those are the times I just want to fuck his brains out! I know what it's like to be loved, and sure, you can have one without the other, if you know what I mean, but why would you?

So last weekend, he held me under the blanket, and we stared out at the surf as it came in. It was so noisy. After a while, it was all I could hear. It's such a powerful sound. It makes me think of the earth's movements through space, causing ripples in whatever is out there, or maybe that's what time would sound like if it could be heard. It makes more sense than the ticking of a clock.

He got so quiet and just stared out at the waves in the darkness. I can't remember what I was talking about, but I remember looking at him, and I could tell he was somewhere else. I rubbed his shoulders, then his temples, and asked him to tell me his thoughts. I'll never forget what he said.

"Europe's out there, Sof, and I don't want to think about it right now, but I just can't help it."

He hugged me tight and kissed my shoulders and cheeks. See, so he was worried too. He never really let on much because he was so proud of me, loved me, and was happy. I was leaving, and it scared him. It's funny to verbalize it. I don't think I thought about it in those terms until this moment.

When I got the position with Cirque du Soleil, it was unreal. In a million years, I had never thought of ever trying something like that. If you had told me the night Nick took me to see the show, which was my first time, that I would be performing with them in a month, I would have flat-out called you a liar, maybe worse. And Nick! He acts like I was an obvious choice. I remember him saying that I could do that just as well as they could. I just didn't think about it anymore after that night.

There were definitely stings attached, though; the most significant string, well rope, in my opinion, was that I would be on a European tour, and I wouldn't be coming home for a  minimum of six months. For whatever reason, they sign you to eight-month contracts. Almost two months of mine were spent here and in Charlotte for rehearsal. It's the first time this show is going to Europe. I'm excited, sick excited, but I still don't know. I mean, I feel like I am about to panic right this instant at the thought of leaving.

I can't imagine not going home to our apartment every night. I love it. I love being there. I love walking with Nick and Jim, Nick's dad, to eat at the places around us. I see Jim more often than my own dad. Nothing against my dad, but he's a little older and retired already, and he and my mom travel a lot. They're excited for me too. And Nick, oh, he's beside himself. He's doing everything in the world he can to help me get ready. 

 I still don't think I was ready that first night in Charlotte, but everyone seemed very pleased with how the routine worked out. I have to admit it was a little more suggestive than the other routines Nick has seen me perform, but he didn't even see anyone else on stage. He was so proud of me. He has a way of making me feel like that. You know I trust him, I trust him with my life, and if he is impressed, I'm doing something right.

We start fresh in Rome at the end of January. I'm leaving Charlotte tonight for home. I have a couple of weeks left, and I'll spend as much time with Nick as possible. I'll be home most days. My parents aren't thrilled, neither is Jim, but they are not angry, just surprised, I think. I guess it is different. Everyone was surprised I was giving up ballet. Hell, I was even surprised. It took forever to get the corphyee. This just looked like so much fun, and it was a challenge. Nick and I discussed it forever. He made me decide, though, and he is right. After all, this is a chance of a lifetime. I'm sure he and I would go to Europe someday, but this is something different. If they like me, I can sign again. I would never do it without talking it over with Nick, though.

He keeps talking about plans he has. I'm not sure, but maybe he is thinking about proposing. I get excited thinking about it. I would marry him in a second, no problem if this is what life would be like; I'm down. I don't need anything else. I know it wouldn't always be this fun, but I don't care. We've had fights. I guess you could call them that. They were never really like what I imagined an argument would be like. He listens even when he is mad at me, and trust me; I piss him off sometimes.   I can just see it. He never tries to hurt me. He never just says mean things to get back at me or prove a point or anything. Between us, I know I'm the pain in the ass. I don't mean to be. It's just how it is.

"Sof," he said, "you are the most intriguing and irritating woman I have ever known." One night, he said that to me when we were lying out on the patio loveseat looking at the moon. It cracked me up. He's a Virgo if you follow the signs like that. I don't. I'm not going to tell you what I am because we are not supposed to go together. But I will tell you he and my dad are the same sign, and my dad used to call me a trial, a fucking trial. Can you believe it?

When I'm awful, Nick tells me I'm wearing him out. That's my clue to get a clue. I just want to hug his neck this second, thinking about him. I know he's worried. I'm afraid too. I don't want to miss him. I don't want any other woman picking up on him. I see some women checking him out when we are out. He's clueless; I mean Clue Less. I know he's not looking, but I don't think he would notice, even if he were. That's not the point, either. I just don't want someone even trying to take my place. I don't think it will happen, but the thought of it is scary. What scares me more is the thought of Nick being alone. He's okay alone but not good for himself. He gets so quiet. I'm sorry, but he does need someone to care for him. He's my best friend, and I don't want anything to happen to him.