MOVING IN STEREO

CLOCKS

This is the end of the story.  It's not entertaining, not fun to read.  It was more for me and my sanity anyway.  It was a process I had to complete as it was nagging at me relentlessly.  It was the only thing I could do.  Thank you for your close reads and comments and corrections, jabs, and jokes.  The writers I have met here are one hell of a good community.

"Confusion that never stops

Closing walls and ticking clocks

Gonna come back and take you home.

I could not stop that, you now know.

Singin' come out upon my seas.

Cursed missed opportunities

Am I a part of the cure

Or am I part of the disease? Singin'

You are

You are"

Clocks Coldplay

When Sofia and I reconnected that Spring, it was like gaining back a long-lost friend.  I gave her plenty of space, too, but she did not seem to want it, and that was fine by me.  Though estranged years before, a good deal of our lives still seemed tied together.  She nestled right in.  The spark was there and stronger than ever.  We were familiars but suddenly had so much more to explore in one another.  The relationship started anew, and it was exciting.  

Then the unthinkable.  Sofia disappeared once more.  She didn't go back to Canada or leave on a dance tour; she simply stopped taking my calls.  She wouldn't answer the door.  Sometimes she would leave a message, a curt reply to dozens I had sent previously.  Always with the same, 'I just have a lot going on now, Nick.  I'm sorry.'  It was confusing, to say the least.  It went on for a little over a month until just after Christmas.  I drove to her dad's home to check on her.  I hadn't done so in a while.  I was giving her the space she seemed to be screaming for.  I'm glad I checked on her again.

She was sick. That was her big secret. Sofi was sick with cancer. She was alone in the world, family gone, nowhere to turn, and frightened. So she collapsed into herself for a time. I can only imagine what that was like. Really though, I don't like to think about it too much. I see stars at night, the heavens above in their mysterious and frighteningly large expanse. I sometimes lay in the driveway, the cement finally giving off the day's stored heat, and look skyward. You can focus on stars, nameless to us, countless miles between us. It's difficult to comprehend that kind of space, that kind of existence. How did it all get there, and where does it all lead? I can only do it so long before I have to get up and get out of my head and bring myself back to center. That sudden insecurity and smallness are what I imagine Sof felt in trying to come to terms with her cancer on her own.

Finally, when she came to me, I was not only relieved to see her, I was relieved she wanted help. Of all the people in the world, I was lucky again to be the one she chose. At that time in her life, she was one of the most pitifully broken people I have ever seen. Not just from her sickness but her past; It all seemed to catch her at once. Like I said before, she had not had it easy. She had it a little worse than I would have ever imagined.

I don't know now if I am older and don't see the need for such things, but I just can't believe people treat each other the way they sometimes do. I know my ideas about love and marriage are not only out of date they are also unrealistic. Still, should you go as far as to enter into a marriage with someone, why treat them so cruelly? Why try and take from them dignity, safety, and enthusiasm? If you pick a mate, treat them as such and value them. It's not that hard.