CYPHER | BTS

08: DROWNING

- E I G H T -

April 25, 2020
Saturday

📍Santa Clara, California

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Choi June

I used to be a coward. A lonely, sad, pathetic coward. I hid from the world. I was so fucking insecure in my own skin, so much so, that the little part of insecurities never left me to this day. I'm still insecure. I'm still unsure of myself somedays. My job is to make people feel beautiful, but no matter that, I never feel it myself.

I felt so alone and I felt so uncomfortable in my skin, like I needed to physically leave it in order to breathe. No amount of makeup ever made me feel pretty. No amount of makeup could ever leave the men chasing after me.

I was so lonely.

I still am.

After New Years of 2017, I was holding onto Yoongi for so long. I was holding onto him because I hoped that my image of something and someone like that would heal me overtime. Finally.

A certain kindness I've been trying to reach finally reached me that night. I held onto that.

Someone was finally looking at me like I was the only person there. I held onto that.

A touch and breath of lips and unbutton of jeans excited me. I've never felt that level of excitement, because I have never experienced a mans touch after my ex-boyfriend. I held onto that too.

I held onto him even when I met him again three years later. I didn't care that he called me hideous on a daily basis, or that he started arguments for fun, or that he made me do things to embarrass me. I didn't care about the mean looks or the name calling. I didn't care about any of it, honestly.

Honestly, I just care about him. And I'm weak for that. I'm so weak, and it makes me think I haven't changed at all. I haven't changed from that same twenty year old girl who wanted to end her life by jumping.

I'm not stronger. I'm not more confident. I'm still lonely. I'm still misunderstood.

I was holding onto Yoongi so desperately because he was the one thing in my entire life that made me feel like I could finally breathe. I pushed myself underwater, and that night he pulled me out.

But now it's gone. It's all gone, and I'm drowning again.

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My tongue is so dry. I want water. Need it, in fact. It stuck to the roof of my mouth and I peel it away as I stir awake.

Something is wrong. My eyes feel heavy and my neck hurts like hell. My butt aches and it's only when I notice that certain ache that I realize it's because it's sitting against something cold and hard. I want to lift my butt to rid of this ache, but I can't.

I can't move. My panic rises.

I tug on my hands. Bound. Feet. Bound too.

My chest rises and falls. I look up to take in my surroundings, but my eyes widen when I see someone sitting in front of me.