Fighting A Losing War

Prologue.

Dear diary

Help.

I remember when I was younger, all the laughter and fun we all had as a family,

it's not the same anymore, ever since he left that is when i started going downhill,

all the laughter turned into tears all the fun turned into sitting around doing nothing. No longer talking like any other family would.

By the time I turned 11 my father had introduced me to 2 new girlfriends and there was my mum still crying, still trying to cope with four children whilst he never did anything to help financially. That was a difficult time, I knew she was struggling with money so I distanced my self from my friends by not going out with them so I could help her save money. I mean I was only 11 I couldn't do much to help.

Then I turned 13 and that year was amazing. It finally felt like everything was going to be okay. My mum had a boyfriend who also had three children of his own, they seemed happy. I though of him like a step dad. My dad had a girlfriend he seemed happy, he was back to being the dad I knew. We all seemed happy. I mean I was 13 there was no way I would notice the significant things that would impact my life yet.

Fast forward two years, my mum and her boyfriend are still together but we don't see him that much. My dad and his girlfriend split up a year ago and he is with someone else, she seems lovely and she has a young son. This is when life started to go downhill for me. My friendship group was toxic, they kept bullying me but I had no one else I could go to so I stayed. I just wished I knew how that would mentally impact me later on in life.

My dad started struggling a lot and turned to alcohol and it got to the point when he was walking around a house with a knife, not wanting to harm me or my brother but he was angry at something and I don't know what. After that happened my mum stopped me from seeing him for about two months. He got help, I promise he did. Not only did he get help he got a new girlfriend, yup he split up with his other one. Just another memory added to the pile. I know not to get to attached to his girlfriends, they never last, nothing does anymore.

My mum spilt up with her boyfriend, yeah the one who I liked who I could see as my step dad but she says it wasn't working anymore. Then she met someone else, at first he was amazing we got on well, but then he started to act like he had all this power over us because he was "an adult" which yes he is but that doesn't mean you can push around children just to benefit you and make you're life easier, for Christ sake I was in my last year of secondary school, I was busy revising for me upcoming exams. That clearly didn't matter to him. Then my mum started to act like him pushing us around, trying to make us feel guilty for doing school work instead of house work. I struggled a lot that year, my escape was going to my dads but that wasn't an option anymore. I was stuck in a house that I felt alone yet suffocated in, it was and still isn't a home to me. My idea of a home is somewhere you loved, feel safe and have a sense of comfort. I feel none of these things, just three more years and I can leave.

No matter how many times I cried out for help I would always be the one to blame. The constant shouting and fighting is something I have gotten used to, it became a daily thing. I would stay in my room, not wanting to go downstairs and risk being told to do a million and one things, and then when I try and speak up I get shut back down as if my voice doesn't matter anymore, that I am simply just there for their benefit. Two more years and I can leave. Only two.

At 16 I had lost more people in my life than I can count, friends have gone and I'm left with one, family have gone. I feel alone again. Lost.
Nothing I do makes me happy anymore, I am simply just there, not being heard or seen. The only time I feel alive is when I am out with my friend Kallie. She's probably one of the only people I feel comfortable around besides my younger brother, she is like a breath of fresh air. Then I have to come back home and I'm back to my room not wanting to talking.

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I close my diary, I am aware that my family life isn't as bad as others. I am not abused physically but sometimes the things they say stick with me. I would get the judgemental stares from them, the random fights when I walk into the room.

I know my life could be worse, but the thing I hate the most is that I feel like I can not eat, breath or talk without be doing it wrong.

I feel trapped.

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Hey guys, this is a new story it won't be that long but yeah.

Hope you enjoyed this little chapter!
Please leave me feedback on how I can improve.

Thank you for reading:)
ꪶ𝓲ꪶꪗ ꪑꪮꪀ𝓽.

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