Stars & Fingertips

The Necklace

Yesterday we talked. This four lined conversation fueled me with so much hate and anger that I had gotten into my car and screamed so loud that my voice went hoarse and my palms hurt from hitting the steering wheel.

We were at musical practice. I was a step in front of you and we had to dance. My feet switched positions swiftly along to the music. However my feet had found the top of the pit cover and I exclaimed "One more step and I would've died."

"Good."

"That wasn't very nice."

"Well you don't talk to me anymore so why should I be nice?"

A stab in the chest.

The necklace that was dangling on yours took the breath out of my lungs. The locket that fit with hers. The chain that you had placed on my nightstand before you stole my innocence. My virginity was gone and as I had previously thought, your desires.

I thought that it meant that you were ready to let go.

Yet you kept it. You held on to this silver object the entire time I was with you. You had it hidden away in your room while you had sex with me on your bed, while you held me tightly in your arms and kissed me so hard that I thought you would never stop.

You kept it, and you kept the door open for her to return.

Down the hallway of your life and opportunities the door I tried so desperately to keep open has shut. I tried to pry it open but my fingernails were too bloody and I was not strong enough. I can see you through what little crack of light I have on your life and I see you with her.

I see you wearing that damned necklace.

I want to rip it off of you. I want to rip that damned necklace from your neck; the only thing that would remain would be a blue line and the memory of the pain you experienced in this moment. It could never compare to the pain you put me through. I despise that necklace. I want to throw it away, throw it into a fire, throw it anywhere that you cannot retrieve it.

You never let go.

You had played me this entire time, then you had the audacity to wonder why I am upset? Why my insides feel like melting? Why I clutch my own body at night and I writhe in a ball as I hold the space between my legs? I am filthy and you have made me this way.

I did not regret you until now.

I regret this all. I wish I had never laid my eyes on you. I wish I had not done the musical last year. I wish I had told you no. I wish I had taken the bus home. I wish I had saved myself. I wish I had told you how I felt before it got too complicated.

I wish I had the nerve to tell you how I feel now.

Instead I sit here and write this. I write this story that you will never read because it gives me something to do besides look at you and wonder why things changed. I do not want to keep wondering why you had told me of emotions that did not exist. I do not want to keep wondering why you had told me you would never leave. I do not want to keep wondering why you left.

The sad part of it all is that I do know.

You left me for her.

You left me for that necklace.

"In every heart there is a room, a sanctuary safe and strong, to heal the wounds from lovers past until a new one comes along. I spoke to you in cautious tones; you answered me with no pretense, and still I feel I said too much. My silence is my self defense."

These lyrics tumble from my lips each and every day as I try not to look at you, as I hope that you are looking at me. I hope that you realize this and all the other words that have spilled out onto these pages are the things that I wish to say. However, I cannot form these words in my mouth. My throat gets caught up and my face swells. Tears begin to fall from my eyes onto the floor, not your forearm.

My favorite memory, now burned from my mind, though the essence still remains.

The hardest part of what I had seen two days ago was that it was never just a necklace to you, or to me for that matter. It was so much more than that. It was a dedication of love, of faithfulness, of trust that you had broken, yet the chain is still intact.

You and her are becoming stronger, and I am falling from my cloud of strength. I am falling and tumbling and I have hit the ground, harder than I had thought I would. My bones have cracked and my mind has been jostled.

I wish that it would forget.

I wish that it would forget every single moment, every single contraction, every single star and every single fingertip.

But your fingertips burned holes into my skin. These holes are not the stars in the sky; these holes are gaping wounds that expose the flesh of my emotions. I am rubbed raw and I have no adhesive to take away this pain. I have no bandage for this damage.

And yet, after all of these feelings and emotions and dedications, I am still sitting here as I fall to pieces, and you are still wearing that necklace.

You are wearing the necklace that began and ended it all.