Stars & Fingertips

Collapse

I have began writing, then started over, stopped and started again.

I do not know what I have left to say.

Nothing I can type and nothing I can write will ever be beautiful enough for you to return to me.

You are already encaptured in your own world of beauty, and I cannot change that no matter how hard I try.

No matter what I say, no matter what I do, you will never be mine again.

This is the worst pain I have ever experienced.

Exaggeration is not a word that comes to my mind when I say this. Because, although I have felt daggers before, the feeling of my chest collapsing as I wake up from a dream of you in my arms is unbearable. The feeling of laying down in my bed, envisioning where you laid propels me to burn my sheets, sell my clothes, erase every single memory that reminds me of you.

I cannot do this. That would mean I would have to sell my car. That would mean I would have to transfer schools. That would mean I could never play Jenga again, I could never go to the library. I could never eat bananas and I could never sleep soundly. I could never wear that dress again and I could never sing the songs you have sang to me.

I could never be myself again, because a whole entire part of myself surrounded you.

I have lost you, but I have also lost a piece of my own being, and I do not know how to fill this empty space.

This is the worst kind of pain.

This does not make any sense, for you are still alive. You are alive, you are breathing, and you are happy with someone new. If I truly loved you, would I recognize this to be true?

I have told myself that this is all that matters- is that you are happy.

If you are happy, then why did you come to me?

I will never understand, likewise you will never understand as well.

I drink to take away the pain; I drink to feel numb.

Because I am done.

I am done walking through the door and seeing your arms around her. I am done watching you embrace her and hold her against the car that you have loved me in. I am done watching you fall in love with her every single day as I stand along the sidelines as I whisper "breathe" to myself because I can feel my lungs collapsing. I can feel my heart burning and I am done.

But I do not know what to do.

Do I leave? Do I tell you that I never want to talk to you again? Do I ask you to tell me that you have never loved me, that you hate me, so then I could have a reason to walk away?

Do I let you go?

I cannot.

I cannot.

I cannot let you go. I have been trying to get over the feeling of your lips on my face and how it felt the very first time you had been with me, and each and every time after that. The way you looked into my eyes is burned into my memory and now I only see images of you looking at her the same way.

And it is not fair. It will never be fair.

How am I functioning? How can I do this?

I consider myself strong, but I am withering away at the sight of this. Every single night I wake up to closed oxygen and tears. I gasp and I clutch my chest to keep my heart together. Tears roll down my eyes and hit the sheets where you have laid, and I am forced to relive that this is over.

It ends every single day and you break my heart every single moment.

And I am not strong enough to continue.

Please leave me, because I cannot.

I cannot hurt you. I cannot hurt her,

But I can hurt myself.

Please let me go.

Because I will never let go of you.