Stars & Fingertips

Goodbye.

This should be my last entry. This is where it all ends.
I get one more talk, one more day, one more touch. One last time I get to hear your voice. One last time I get to sit in your car. One last time I can see everything that I love and everything that I have to give up.
One last time you will break my heart.
I do not know how to prepare for this.
For the last two days tears have just seeped from my eyes at the most inopportune moments. Something will remind me of you and my chest collapses in on me; I cannot breathe and you are not here to hold my hand through my window and tell me that you love me.
Because you do not.
You never have. You have loved how easy I was. I was so accessible, and I tell myself that I was because I love you.
But lately my mind has been screaming at me. Lately it will not stop talking.
"You are a whore. You are worthless. How does it feel to hate yourself?"
I cannot turn it off and I want to run away. I want to run as far as I can possibly go.
I cannot do this anymore.
But I cannot even think about leaving you. And I cannot even comprehend you leaving me.
You have ended everything now. You have deleted me from your life and I cannot begin to try to understand how I am going to live.
You know me like nobody else. You have seen me like nobody else.
And I am scared that nobody will accept me like you do. I am scared I will never find somebody like you again.
I am so terrified and the one person who could always keep me calm and keep me safe is the one person who is twisting the knife into my heart, the heart he once held so tightly that it made me feel as if everything would turn out to be okay.
But it will not.
I know this now.
I get one last time.
I never wanted it to end this way.
I never wanted one last anything with you.
But I have to live with the fact that I do not always get what I want. I was selfish. Dreams do not come true.
Freshman girl, I see you. I see you staring at the Junior Boy over in the corner. He looks so cute and his voice is so nice. He seems so friendly yet so unapproachable. Oh, you cannot worry about it because it will never happen, you foolish freshman.
But then the musical came. And freshman girl, he suggested that he wanted to kiss you!
You! The freshman girl who you thought nobody noticed! He sees you. He sees you. Someone sees you.
Oh.
Freshman girl, what have you done?
What have you done?
You knew he was committed. You knew he was in love. You knew that you were ruining everything yet you were selfish.
You finally got your chance to be with him that you did not care about any consequences.
I hate you, freshman girl.
But I hate you too, sophomore. You thought that being with him could turn out to be okay. You thought that going back to him could lead to him possibly staying for once. You thought he would change.
I hate you, sophomore.
But I could never hate you, my Junior. My Junior turned Senior turned heart break.
Back in October, you had said "You will always be a freshman to me."
And you will always be a Junior to me.
You will always be that unreachable boy. You will always be just a dream.
None of this was real. I need to realize that.
I need to move on.
After one last time.
One last kiss.
I never thought we would have one last kiss.
Our one last time was the 13th time. In the backseat, we christened my new car.
June 6th. Not a number, but the windows still steamed up. While you were suspended above me I had thought I heard you say "I love you." So I had said "I love you too."
"What?"
And that is when I had realized, you had not said love. You said "All over you" and I was foolish. All I could ever want was emotion in sex and I never received that. Not after you started to love her again.
I was an object. And I saw that.
I had a panic attack. I could not breathe and you were scared. I was terrified.
You walked me to my window and held my hand through the opening. I was so scared to tell you that I loved you, because I did not know if you would say it back. But you did.
And I do not know if you lied or not.
God, please let it be the truth.
Please let it have been the truth. I could not have been used. I could not have meant nothing. Please, let me be of something.
And I cannot stop crying as I even write this. And I know that you will never understand and that I could never explain.
I cannot explain how I feel. Love is not a big enough word. Pain is not a big enough word. Heartbreak is not a big enough word.
I am good with words and I can write poems until the end of time but I cannot tell you how much I feel. I cannot.
I love you.
Until the lights burn out.
I will never stop loving you. Not because you were my first. Not because you showed me new things. Not because you had been my friend, not because you had been my love.
But because it is you.
I have never met anyone more perfect and I would not have sacrificed so much of myself for anyone else.
But it was you.
It has always been you.