Hange Zoe Short Story Collection

Yellow (Part 1, Angst)

Paring: GN Hange x F Reader 

Warning: Anime/ch.139 SPOILERS for the entire story. Mentions of depression, PTSD, suicide, suicidal behaviors. Please do not read if you're not comfortable. Angst. Lots of angst.

"Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you and everything you do...yeah, they were all yellow."

No one joined the survey corps solely because they wanted to. There was always some sort of purpose, something that drove them to the point of desperation that they'd want to spend the rest of their days slaughtering beasts that were far more powerful. No one did this out of the joy of their heart. (Y/N) certainly didn't. As she stood in the training grounds, a bead of sweat rolling down her forehead and her forearms aching from holding the heavy wooden sword up for so long, (Y/N) found herself thinking about how she had gotten to that point.

She could have been at home. She could have been reading. She could have been running a small café and baking pastries. But life had other plans, didn't it? Instead of being with her family, she was training to kill cannibals. The sound of a shrill whistle caused (Y/N) to drop her arms, relieved when her opponent did so as well. Standing her ground against them took everything she had. Even though she was a trained soldier and had done this for years, it was still tiring.

"Good job," Petra smiled, patting her on the back. She too was panting, her shirt soaked with sweat. The summer sun was relentless, baring down on the recruits like fire.

"Thanks," (Y/N) gave a close-lipped smile, automatically heading towards the showers. She didn't stay behind to talk or complain as the others did.

"It's so hot! Why do we have to train in this heat?" Someone was saying, their voice coming out in low huffs.

"Why do we do combat, though? Aren't we fighting giants?" Another angry grumble made its way to (Y/N)'s ears.

Even in this miserable world, people still sought out camaraderie. There were close friendships, ones with strong bonds that couldn't be broken even by cannibalistic titans. Occasionally, there was love too. A love so pure, so wholesome, that it brought hope to the hearts of onlookers. Even while they remained trapped behind looming walls, even when their lives were constantly threatened, people still dared to love. It was beautifully tragic.

The faint murmurings of her comrades faded into the background as she walked the dim hallways of the compound. Three years of training had prepared her for ruthless combat and expeditions to seek out the truth. But due to the fall of Wall Maria, the expeditions had come to a halt. There were still quite a few, but they only took a couple of scouts, the one with the most training experience. In the four years since she had admitted herself in the training program when she was 16, (Y/N) hadn't encountered a single titan. She had been safe, albeit exhausted with a bruised body from daily mandatory training, within the walls.

The shower room was empty, considering many were still lingering outside and talking to each other after another grueling training session. Being the first one there, (Y/N) enjoyed the luxury of the sparse warm water. She watched as it trickled down her skin, washing away all of the sweat and dirt that had accumulated over the past few hours. She watched her hands, momentarily feeling detached from her body.

That was how it was mostly nowadays. Ever since that day. Ever since she had found the reason that caused her to enlist in the survey corps. While she was physically there, her mind wasn't. During the brutal training that caused her to ache for days, during the nights she slept starving due to food shortages, the only thing that saved her was her ability to detach. Detach from her body. Let her soul float away somewhere. Somewhere happier.