saturn

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you weren't always cruel

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you weren't always cruel.
(at least that's what i told myself everyday)

i had convinced myself cruelty was a
price for love; after all i had been wired to
believe that love was a malady of seraphic
moons that drowned under our skin and rose
with the wildflowers of bruises that lined our
veins. for me, love and cruelty were entwined
down to each and every atom.

your skin was an art gallery of wintery comets
that pelted across the kuiper belt with blazing
tails and coruscating warmth. i thought you
would be the one who would love me, even
though i knew you could crush planets with
your bloodied knuckles and tear apart
constellations just to feel adrenaline course
through your veins.

(you weren't kind, and i never expected you to be)

there were days when my weathered bones
would ache for satin between my fingers
and velvety honey on my tongue. those
days i wanted to vapourise into ether
and join the planets that circled the glowing
evanescent suns.

i wanted to be anything but yours.

you used to get mad when i said things like this.
your knuckles would turn stark white, and your
mouth would bleed with expletives and incoherent
strings of words that would wrap themselves around
my neck like a chokehold. my skin would be stained
with your bloodied cruelty, the stardust of withering
hearts asphyxiating me. you would tell me that you
were engraved into my dna- even when the stars
collapsed under their own gravity, your name would
still be etched in gold in my body. i was yours before
i could be mine.

( you ruined me, but i still believe you loved me)

i wanted to leave you.

i wanted to run away to another galaxy, where the colossal blackholes of your being were dimmed, and the only light i could see was from the clusters of stars that burned too bright.i wanted to leave your sepulchral force field of drowning galactic halos that broke up apart all the constellations.

you told me that if i ever left you, i would be nothing. i knew the moment those words tumbled from your lips, i was forever gone. i had already drowned under the electric teal tides and nothing could free me from the heart wreck i was ensnared in. when i was with you i was a golden god, but without you i was just a girl with wildflower bruises and putrescent flesh.

・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

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