Thoughts

Undeserving & Ugly

Hi

Its the tiktok era now!

It's been years

And I read these and still relate. It's actually gotten worse. I think I've gone crazy.

I should go find help I think...lol

I think to myself scenarios in my head of what that would go like. For someone to recommend my parents to take me to a shrink. Funny

I realize how toxic my relationships with my folks are. How 'not' nice they are as parents. But they've done so much for me. So many sacrifices. Just not the right ones. 

Am I supposed to be grateful? I'm all broken now cuz of you... am I supposed to be okay about that? Genuine question.

I'm all shallow now, only care of the way 'I' am. How 'I' suck. How 'I' hate myself. Can't believe 'I' exist. 'I' should just die... 

I hear people and I allow them to affect me. 

Older society says the new generation is so sensitive. And I listen to it. I blame myself for being too sensitive. Is that.... sensitive?

A while ago, my last birthday actually, we took some pictures in church and I saw them on my phone and I couldn't believe how ugly I had become. I've let go of myself and got really fat, the fattest I've ever been and it looks bad on my face. Another time I saw my face flipped in a selfie and found just how asymmetrical my face is.

All these superficial reasons, yet I can't help but be affected. 

I used to be able to create fantasies in my head of how I'd meet the perfect person and fall in love, and then around the time I need to marry this person, my mind would catch up to me, my trauma screaming how this dream is unrealistic, no one would ever want to marry me. I guess I need my dreams to be reality-based too.

Now, I can't even begin to imagine the first step, forget the first perfect kiss, even the first eye contact, EVEN IN MY DREAMS, I can't bear to look at the person. More like I can't let the person look at me. Horrific trash-looking me. 

I'm almost constantly daydreaming and for the first time in my 22 years of life, I have no clue how to start with a story to daydream about. I can only think of me hopelessly liking someone and then immediately thinking of how I shouldn't like them since they deserve better than me. IN MY OWN DREAMS?!?!

I cry so often now since every time I daydream this is all I can think of, how absolutely ugly and horrifying I look and am. I'm prolly not going to be rich since my career is low paying. I'm really lethargic and anxious and since I'm a 'don't deserve anything' typa person I also think I don't deserve therapy. YAY!! My lethargy results in horrible designs (Archi student here) and thus I'm also eventually SUPER DUPER DUMB.

Yay to my life. 

I'm about to be thrust into the unknown space of adulthood with no money no future no love no smart. 

Wish me luck!