Thoughts

Stout & Sad

The cutest kid gets all attention. Always. And I was the cutest. But not for long.

I was the cutest person I know when young. I get jealous of myself all the time. Because right now I'm not nearly half as cute as that. I'm not pleasant to look at right now. But that never made other people judge me or bully me. Sometimes the bully is not outside. Sometimes it's inside you. You imperfections can get you to be harsh on yourself. And that's exactly what happened.

So I started becoming....stout and unpleasant while around 6 or 7. And it was all I could hear about from by peers and parent. It's torturous when that is something you hear from the one person you would expect to not say that to you. I'm fat. I get it. I got it. You've made me realize my condition. I had gotten it. But you couldn't stop talking about it. And I couldn't stop thinking about it. It got to me so much and I didn't even realize until recently.

A few months ago I found an old....diary. Six year olds don't normally write diaries but I had one. It was random. It was just me scribbling randomness. But around the last page the thing I found squeezed my heart

I was six. I'm supposed to be free and inconsiderate and thoughtless. I wasn't supposed to differentiate between black and white, good and evil, fat and skinny. And yet there was a drawing of a thin girl and a fat girl. Above the thin was written "my friends", and above the fat was written my name. And I wrote my measurements down there. 200cm waist 100cm thigh. And the other girl had 20 and 10cm. I turned the page and it was blank. That was the last thing on there, the reminder that I was fat. It would've made sense if I were 15 and writing that but I was six. And I vaguely remember drawing it.

That had haunted me for my entire life, the fact that I'm different. I never had the skill of making friends. I was worried that I was gonna be back stabbed. Everyone was good to me. And I'm sure they would be forever. I'm sure they were sincere about it too. But I just couldn't trust anyone. I was worried that if I try to make friends, they'll accept me just for the sake of it. They'd probably talk behind my back of how annoying it is that I'm around them constantly even though they don't like me.

It would be Like I was invited but not wanted. Just a piece of trash in the corner. I was scared of even trying.

Even after I had friends who approached me first, I was reluctant to go with them. Whenever there was a break and all friends get together, I would still sit in my own seat, waiting for them to call me to them, so that if I were not wanted I'd not be there.

I still fear initiating conversation with anyone. I fear introducing myself. I still fear being me with anyone. Me is lost.

I've been like this with everything. I'm still like this. It had taken me a long time to trust that my friends won't hate me. That trust still quavers from time to time. I've never been fully open with anyone ever yet.

You might think you know me.... But you don't even have half the idea of me. And I just can't let you. If I do....I imagine I would marry you. Because you'd be the first person I trust fully.

And it was this same imperfection that made me who I am today. I was fat. So I couldn't make people like me by my looks. I wasn't funny so I could make them like be by humor. So I became very nice. I became someone who could do everything. Like a handy man. A helper. And I practiced being nice so much, I've become a nice person. I love the feeling you get after helping someone out. And I've become good at everything. I can sing pretty decent. Do a casual robot. Draw a nice picture. I can fix anything broken. Mostly. I can solve your problems- math and real life. I can sacrifice my life for you and not have a single problem if you still turn your back to me. I just like helping you. I've become more humble. I know I'm not perfect. And I know others aren't too.

But this insecurity also bought me a hard facade. Since I don't want people to be forced to talk to me, I look very serious. Very non approachable. And often people don't come to me for help for this reason. Only if you have known me for a while you'd know that I'm a lose screw who can help you with my best.

I'm sort of glad I had this insecurity. Because if it weren't for it, I wouldn't have been humble today. I wouldn't have been the kind of person I am today. I would've been a bit*h if I weren't like this. And I fucking love it.