Captured Moments.

Ch.12 ~ Forever Repeat

I feel as if I'm in repeat, going nowhere. Just stuck, dead. My hair doesn't grow, my appearance doesn't change, I don't change. I keep on making the same mistakes and don't bother to change a thing. I never apologize, I never make it up because I am too stubborn. When I'm wrong I don't admit it. When I'm right I know it. When I'm stupid, I'm insane.

"Don't get angry at her Ten, she is trying to help." Xavier always tries too hard to make me feel better. Tonight I don't think it will work. "I don't care Xavier. I helped her! She was in pain Xavier! Just the same way that you were when Briar helped you, and she wasn't even grateful!" By now I was crying. This was the first time I had actually cried since I died, and it felt good.

"Ten. Just tell me if you need space and I'll make sure that happens." Why was he so calm? So collected? I just don't understand how that is possible. "I just want to know what it feels like to have no pain, no worries and no regrets." I sat down on the bank of the river that led to the lake. The deep blue of the calm flowing river was calling me. I just wanted to immerse myself in the coolness of the water.

"Dead people don't get to choose Tenley." I looked at him with tears streaming down my face. He sat by my side even when I was at my worst. He stayed with me so that I wouldn't go insane, to make sure I stayed safe. Yet he didn't even know he was doing it, it was just his nature. "So what? We died which isn't fair so why can't we choose how we feel? Because we're dead? I think that's hardly fair." He wrapped his arm over my shoulders. And we sat in silence.

"Why did this have to happen? We could be breathing right now, we could be living. I miss that feeling." I lay down on the cold stones and looked up. Something I used to do every night. I would look at the stars and appreciate the life I had. But now they were just stars that made me realise that I no longer had a life to appreciate.

"We don't have to be living to have that feeling, that feeling is created by you and you only." He said. By now my tears had dried and I was left to wallow in my self pity. It was pathetic for me to cry over something I know I can't get back. It's just something I just have to face.

"It's not just you, you know that?" He said. "It's briar, it's Scarlet, it's me and it's every other wandering soul. We all feel the same way, some of us just deal with it better."

I looked at him. "Xavier I need to go." He looked back in confusion.
"Go where?" He questioned.
"Away from here." And at that I stood and ran for the lake ignoring his screams after me. I ran and continued to run even once I had hit the water. Most things I could travel through but water was the exception. It weighed me down. It gave me a feeling of running through the same water when my heart was beating.

I waded into the water until I was waist deep. I jumped. I threw myself into the water. Then it hit me. It hit me like a brick wall. I was drowning. I couldn't breathe in a completely different way to before. I was drowning the same way I was when I was dying and I loved every minute of it. I could feel again.

Then I woke up.