Dream On [HS.AU]

Chapter Thirty Five

18 DAYS LATER

Halle Henry

I've never attended a funeral before, and I'm nervous as hell.

The last week or so have been an absolute whirlwind, that's the only way to describe things. There have been a lot of ups and downs, mainly just downs, but a few ups too. That's what Harry would say, he's been trying to get me to say something positive about every day because then I don't focus on the bad all the time. I thought it was stupid, but I actually like that way of thinking.

I stayed with Harry at his family house for a night, just the first night back to London, and then I started staying with Ellen and Dan. Harry and his mum have been great, they check on Ellen and I a lot, and Anne baked us a few traybakes to 'cheer us up'. It was a sweet gesture, one that shows where Harry gets his big heart.

Ellen and I would spend the day looking through dad's things, making arrangements and then by night we'd be absolutely exhausted. Harry would call and ask if I was alright, sometimes we'd go for a drive, sometimes he'd stay at Ellen's with me, but he made such an effort just to show he was there for me and my family, and I appreciated it a lot.

There's been a whole lot of heartbreak, as in, hours upon hours of crying until you couldn't cry anymore because you had a severe migraine and a nosebleed. There have been times where you couldn't eat for days and then one evening you'd eat a whole feast in one go to combat sadness. It's been a rollercoaster, and I don't assume today will be too different. 

There have been a lot of ugly days. I'd cry so much I'd become so tired that I was so short tempered. Harry dealt with a lot of that, sand it made me upset because he shouldn't, but he understood, and it made everything a lot easier.

Ellen decided it was time for me to go back to LA tomorrow. I was unsure, but Dad would have wanted me there, Ellen wants me there promoting my record because it's what would make dad happy, and in LA, although I miss home, I'm far away from where every single street corner causes me to have a whole mental breakdown.

She's always gonna keep her spare bedroom for me, and I can go back to London whenever I want. So we decided I'm going back to Los Angeles tomorrow, and I'm going to make dad more proud than ever.

This morning, I stood in front of my sister's mirror in a black dress with a black jacket in my hands, which were shaking with stress, lack of sleep and anxiety. Ellen is also incredibly nervous, she has only been to one other funeral. This is us saying goodbye to our dad, this is us accepting he's gone and celebrating his life. It's going to be the hardest thing we've ever done but we have each other, and that's all that matters.

Ellen, Dan and I's car arrived last. We're the only family my dad had. Our grandparents passed away a while ago and he was an only child, so it's just Ellen and I, and Damn because he's family now too. The coffin was already at the front of the crematorium with a few mixtures of my dad there, and then the one of us three at the AMA's is the biggest one due to the fact it was his favourite.

It broke my heart looking down the aisle and knowing that when Ellen gets married he won't be here to walk her down it, or even when I do, my dad can't walk me down the aisle. I knew it was going to be a hard day, I just didn't expect it to be this difficult and mentally challenging.

Everyone was seated when the three of us got there, and then we had to walk by everyone to our own seats. I didn't like that, but we made it. Ellen held my hand the whole way until we reached where we were seated.

Harry and his mum were sitting behind us, and she gave my shoulder a little squeeze when I sat down which made me smile.

My dad wanted to be cremated, so once we have the ashes, we'll scatter them at his favourite place in London together. There's also a little memorial in our community. My dad was a people person and in a small village where everybody knows everyone, there were a lot of people mourning his passing. People put together a little flower arrangement next to the village sign and when Ellen and I found out we both cried so many happy tears, thankful that people were so kind.