i may need help-

i dont even know anymore..

i dont even know how to start this.. 

alright, be prepared for rants, anger and possible swearing.. 

so imma start with r u ok day. 

so yesterday was R U OK day and our school handed out actuall armbands (irrelevant but ok). anyway on thursdays (which was r u ok day and also was yesterday for me) i have Science first on those days and i have that with one of my friends (for future reference he goes by he/she (when i wrote this he went by he/him so that the only pronouns used in this chapter)), (bhams16 thing 1 from camp). anyway this friend never says anything to me or checks up on me about my health and i can never tell him the truth, i mean sure he asks sometimes but its just a casual 'hey how ya going?' type thing. so im never realy 100% ok? i mean ive said im ok and im fine when im really not that i dont even know anymore!? like its just easier? anyway so we were getting out our stuff for science and then he says to me: 'how come your never ok?' i just looked at him like what? and then he says 'like i mean you always show up to school really down and sad and then you try to cover it up and be all energetic and happy but it doesnt work.' i was still just looking at him bc he never noticed this stuff! well not that i know of anyway? and he doesnt really know alot about my  thoughts  but he knows abit about what goes on at home. so i didnt say anything to him and he just looked at me then back at his laptop -may i add that he said all of this without looking at me till now? its weird for me tnh but idk why..?- and said did you really think i dont notice these things and by now i was thinking about about to cry.. then he said something hes said before but this time it seemed different,, idk why tho.. he said to me 'do you mind telling me why your never happy? i mean, you dont have to tell me but can you please tell me? but im here for you whenever you  want to tell me' he said it in a way that he uses when he wants me to tell him something.. so just told him that it was bc of someone who we will call pimples (im sorry but i hate him and he has pimples and my creativity left me to make room for the anger and depression) and somethign happening at home and tests. all i told him is 'its just *pimples* and something is going on at home..' thats all i said and for the second time in 10 mins i almost cried thinking about it! ugh.. i swear that one of these days i WILL break and when i do it will be like the floodgates have opened.. sorry that was alot 

number 2: ill tell you about pimples ughhh btw there are mentions of r@p3, sexual.. stuff.., bullying, degrading other stuff i cant remember rn 

soo in my friend group there are like 10-15 (wayy over exagerated only like- wait imma count, no just 10) ppl i think (we are all lgbt in one way or another, everyone at school calls us the lgqra+ group (saying random letters instead of lgbtq+)) and we were friends with pimples. he is cis male and said he was gay, anyway one of my friends we will call her cat (thing 2 from the story bhams16), became friends with him some how, then he somehow weaseled his way into our friend group via cat and he did it. he got into our group. i didnt trust him from the start, there were red lights and warning signs EVERYWHERE but im just a bitch with trust issues so i just didnt think much on it and ignored it but the more time went on the more i didnt like him. he insulted us all the time then played it off as a joke but he was dead serious. and he was just really umm weird.. whenever he wanted to cuddle us he would always want my friend who is trans and uncomfy with some things he alwasy forced his head near his.. crotch.. area.. whenever he hugged me or cuddled me he always put his hands on my b00b$ and he made alot of r4p3 jokes and he triggered me and alot of my friends and he caused me quite a few panic attacks and caused me to do alot of other stuff i shouldnt have doen and i shouldnt have felt that way over someone i thought was my friend but i didnt say anything to my other friends bc i thought they wouldnt belive me and would in turn hate me and kick me out of the group and i didnt want that to happen bc i finally found a really good friend group where we trusted each other *mostly* but i didnt know though that EVERYONE ELSE in the group felt the same way.. 

anyway this was going on for a few months and then it was my birthday, this was about 5 weeks ago 13th of august and it was on friday right so i invited the trans friend i meantioned earlier and i also invited a friend lets call her blondie (same blondie from the story) anyway, blondie and the trans friend went home to get there sh1t and i walked to my house with pimples.. to MY HOUSE! he now knows where i live and how to get there soo thats just peachy! anyway pimples and i where just sitting at my house doing whatever and he was like just subtely degrading me and then the others got there and we hung out a bit and after about 2 hrs we all got uncomfy, but we didnt tell each other and we just did but then we had dinner and awhile after dinner we went back to my r
oom and decided to watch a movie and after a while i got really uncomfy so i decided to talk to my friend (not blondie she was kinda busy with her sugar high) and we were talking and we told each other about pimples and how he was making us uncomfy, what he was doing etc and everything stared to add up. anyway after that we got blondie out of her sugar high, pimples cept wanting cuddles and hugs from his 'besties' but when i went to hug him bc no one else was that cofortable with that he just pushed me away and said somn like no not you you fugly b!tch. and went to hug my other friend (again not blondie at this piont she was still kinda high) anyway pimples wanted to sleep in the same bed as my other friend and wouldnt have it anyother way and this was one of the only times i was grateful for mums no boys and girls in the same bed rule so he ended up in his own bed, my other friend had his own bed and blondie and i shared a bed (again) and we stayed up all night talking bc i was scared to go to sleep in case something happened again.. OH! and while blondie was still on a sugar high he said to my TRANS MALE friend 'ok can i see you t1ts now?' and he said to me 'can i touch your pu$$y? i want to play with your pu$$y'.

anyway next day he cept trying to act like nothing was wong he was taking photos of my room and my and blondie without our permission! and he posted tiktoks with me in them even after i told him i wasnt comfortable with that! anyway the next day he was only nice to blondie when she bought him a slushie and that only lasted a second. he went home second to last and then at school we confronted him tried to talk to him we also talked to the rest of out friend group and they felt the same! anyway we kicked him out but he is still harrasing us and my friend cat who is one of my oldest friends is still friends with pimples and pimples is only using cat to get to us, id go into more detail bc i could just rant about this mf all day but yall have lives and better things to do soo moving on 

we talked to the guidence counselor, year quardinator etc but they didnt do a thing and he still harrasses us, we have like a fewother ppl on our side but everyone else just got pimples side of the story which is just that we are being mean to him for no reason and that he did nothing wrong. 

on top of that i havent been able ot tell my mum, i told my mum part of the story and she said she go to the police and i dont want her to, idk but i dont, so i told my mum everything was sorted out.. and my mum is making m do sh!t i dont wanna do, go places i dont wanna go, i have heaps of tests, exams, assignments, assessments etc.. and we recently got soem bad news so that amazing and i also dropped my phone today and now it wot turn on and my mum is not gonna be happy and i had a test in last period that i didnt finish and i prolly didnt do well on.. so all that kinda hit me like a ton of bricks today so i hide in the bathroom at break, i had a cry, a panic attack, a mental break down or two today soo yep.. now my depression has attacked me full force and im gonna be out of it for a weeks or so..

how have you guys been? how was your r u ok day? 

i just spent like 4 hrs just watching kallmekris 's tiktoks.. 

sorry about the rants.. 

alrihght it is friggin 1:16am rn i should sleep before my mum catches me. bhams16 your message just came through and ill prolly get back to you when i wake upagain if i dont decide to get back to you now.. alright here we go, scary walk upstairs to put away my laptop in a house full of sleeping ppl~ hope i dont die- 

anyway, have a great day, dont copy what im doing and take care of yoursevles ok? your all precious and loved ok? alrigth bye mwah 

all in all this was fucking 1811 words~