My eye gaze at the flowers kept on the ground. They were white roses, your favourite. Our daughter was squirming in my arms, trying to get to you. I loosen my hold on her so that she could touch you. Small giggles erupted from her tiny mouth as she played with the flowers.
The white granite tombstone reflected the sunlight, offering a warm glow.
You always had that aura that could light up a room and you spread that warmth wherever you used to go.
"Happy Birthday love", I touch the tombstone tenderly. Ayla places her hands on mine, I close my eyes imagining you hold us.
It was your birthday today.
"I brought your favourite cake and our little angel helped me choose the frosting. You should've seen her bossing around the chefs. It was so funny. I'm pretty sure your laughing.", I look up at the sky smiling.
"She's getting older and is starting to look more like you", tears form in my eyes as I watch our daughter lie on your tombstone. It was like she was hugging you. My pretence breaks at that.
"I can't do it. I really can't. It's so hard to get up every morning and I'm sorry that I'm not the best father for our daughter. I'm trying my best to be but without you it's impossible" a hole has been carved out of my chest and the pain that came with it left a cold, numb facade.
I lay down next to her just to feel something.
"Can we stay a while, just to get away from reality?", I mumble sleepily. I haven't slept a day the moment you were gone. Wait. No. Not gone. You're not gone. You're still here with me.....with us.
The pain of losing you was etched to my heart like a tattoo-permanent and painful to remove. Thousands of needles stabbed into my chest the moment you were taken away from me, the agony a reminder of how unlucky I am.
Ayla climbs on top of me laying her tiny head on my chest. My eyes close on their own accord. I was with my family.
"Drew.....Drew!", I jolt up at the sound. Feeling the lose of weight on my chest I realise that Ayla was not with me.
"Ayla!", I stand up quickly. Fear seized my entire body. My throat started closing up at the thought of even losing our child.
"Drew...", your angelic voice softly called out. There you were dressed in white. Ayla was in your arms giggling happily.
"Y-You're not real", I close my eyes trying to wake up from this dream. This can't happen again. I can't deal with this, I don't know what is real anymore.
"Of course I'm real silly", you chuckled.
I blinked once. Twice. You were still there.
I cautiously took a step forward scared that if I move an inch you would disappear but you were still there grinning. The logical part of me was screaming in my head saying you were just fictious, that it was a figment of my hopeful yet sad imagination. It was shouting commands at me to let go and walk away but I stood there not breaking my gaze. You closed the distance and reached out to touch my cheek.
It was real. You were real.
I clutched you tightly to my chest, my hold on you and our daughter, inhaling your sweet strawberry scent, the one I declared was important to me than fresh air. I would go through anything just to hug you like this, to have you safe in my arms away from the grim reaper. My face was buried in your neck and I could feel your hands stroke my hair softly. I was home. This is my home.
I reluctantly leave your embrace as Ayla started squirming uncomfortably. You giggle at her antics and pepper kisses on her face effectively making her settle down. My heart flutters at the sight.
A picnic blanket was laid down and you dragged me there. We sat down and all this time I couldn't take my eyes off of you. It was too good to be true and a part of me knew that it would all disappear in a blink.
"You're staring at me", you whisper sweetly, a mischievous smile forms on your face.
"You're real right?", my voice breaks as I ask you that.
Your hazel furrows sadly at my stupefied state.
"I'm always real for you", soft fingers touched mine. I sucked in a breath at the action. Your small hand closed around mine and gave a simple reassuring squeeze. It felt right. It felt as if it belonged in mine.
"I'm sorry", you look at me confused.
"I have no clue how to do it. She needs me but she needs her mother too and I don't think I can be both. I'm scared of turning out be a failure. Our daughter doesn't deserve this", I breathe out slowly after my rant, scared of your reaction. Those words leave my mouth in inconsistency, it was terrifying to admit something like that to the love of your life especially when you know that you are not capable enough to deserve them both. Shame filled me at my deficient capabilities. "So much has changed since you've been away,"I mumble quietly.
"Drew, you're doing a good job. You know that?", your beautiful doe eyes reflect reliance in me. You squeeze my hand softly and lift it to your lips. Butterflies? No. Roses? Yes roses. In fact rose petals compare to the touch of your lips on my hand.
"Just remember this, the answer to all your questions is in the love that we create", your eyes flicker to our daughter.
You laid down on the cloth and gestured me to do the same. Your head rested on my neck and our daughter was on my chest. I felt content, something I haven't perceived in a long time. I drift off to sleep under the false tranquility.
The feeling of something wet on my face jolts me up from my reverie. The sky was grey and dark clouds formed in the atmosphere. Ayla was sleeping peacefully on my chest unaware of the disturbances in the surrounding.
I look to my side in hopes of finding you still laying there in my hold but your white tombstone meets me instead.
It was a dream. Just a dream.
I lay my head back on the wet ground, tears fall from my eyes mixing with the cold lifeless water of the rain. I pick up Ayla and shield her from the chilly wind. Giving you a last look I walk away numbly with our child in hand.
If heaven had visiting hours I would show up everyday just to see you.
