dive into you | jongsang (✓)

- nine -

dear jh,

i was happy to receive your response. thank you for confiding in me! i hope we are able to get to know each other well and become closer in time! maybe i will even be willing to meet you in person one day.

i wish i had a sibling like you do, things can get really lonely around here, especially nowadays. my best friend is the closest thing i have to one. what's it like having a sibling??

i'd love to hear more about your interests and such! for me, i can start by saying i've always been fascinated by photography and i've always wanted to learn how to play the violin, but the one time i tried to take lessons my teacher scared me so i never actually learned. i love all kinds of music and my best friend is a dancer, so he's taught me some dance and i find it very fun. if i had the courage, i'd be willing to take dance classes some day, but i don't think that's really an option for me right now. i have a long way to go until i'm ready to do that.

i hope you don't mind me changing the topic, but the past two days have been really bad. i tried to convince my mother to get treatment again, and she told me she doesn't want to. she said its not worth it, but i think it is. and maybe it's selfish of me, but i can't lose my mom. if she doesn't get treatment, there's no telling how much time she has left. i'm scared out of my mind, jh. i've been hiding in my room more often than not to avoid facing her and feeling the pain of the fact that she might be gone soon. i don't know what to do anymore.

i hope things aren't going terribly for you and that i hear from you soon.

- kang y.

jongho felt tears well up in his eyes as he read the letter, then quickly went to the door and locked it. he let his tears fall as he sat back on the bed, rereading the same lines over and over again. he just wanted his new friend to be happy, but then again, it's not like he was happy either.

i hope things aren't going terribly for you, he read over again. but they were... they were going terribly and he had no way out.

jongho's first concern was that he felt like his father was slowly figuring out his sexuality, and that was one of his biggest fears. he knew that would be a death sentence. because of this, he had stayed unlabeled for the longest time, but he knew far too well that he was in fact bisexual. he had crushes on guys in the past, but he could never do anything about them. so he just pretended that he never liked any guy, like he was only interested in girls.

next, he was of course concerned by the constant fighting. if they wanted to break up so badly, then why didn't they do it already? why were they dragging this on? it just hurt jongho and yewon, so why did they continue?

he couldn't even focus as he started to write another letter, spilling his heart to his newfound friend. he felt safety in getting the words out, he just had to be careful not to let his letter be seen by his parents. tears began to stain the page, but jongho didn't care, he just needed to tell someone. he couldn't keep living in secrecy. it was all weighing down on him too much.

when his letter was finished, jongho hurriedly put the letter in an envelope and addressed it, then hid it under his pillow and brought his knees to his chest as he sat on the bed. he began to hyperventilate, not knowing how to stop the heavy feeling in his chest or focus himself enough to calm down. he cried himself to sleep, his thoughts dark and clouded, leaving only a sliver of happy thoughts in his head.

the letters.

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a/n:
very sad jongho chapter... hehe sorry